An all-knowing, all-powerful, all loving deity and evil

Is a god reconcilable with evil? In order to understand if a god is compatible with evil, we must first define which god we mean, and what its attributes are. In this essay, we will disprove a god who is omnipotent, omniscient and omni benevolent, such as Christians will often claim their god is. A god who is not defined by these criteria, is obviously not disproven by the existence of evil, and will not be addressed.

It is easy to understand that there is evil in the world. In this world, we've seen flooding destroy crops and houses, we've seen infertility hurt those who long to be parents, we've seen good people be killed by drunk drivers, we've seen soldiers killed defending their respective countries, we've seen the deaths of hundreds of innocent people on 9/11, we've seen, recently, an earthquake and tsunami ravage Japan, destroying nuclear facilities that leave even survivors at high risk of contracting deadly diseases from exposure to fallout, and, closer to home, in every community, we've seen children raped and beaten by the people who are supposed to love them most. If there was a loving god,goddess, or genderless deity he/she/xe would simply fix these things, unless of course, he didn't have the power. But, that would disprove an omnipotent god. What if, perhaps, this god was unwilling to fix them? That would disprove him or her by the malice that he or she should lack by basic definition. Is he/she/xe unaware that these awful things are occurring? Again, this excludes such a deity from existing, based on his lack of omniscience, which is one of the central defining characteristics of this being.

(for length purposes, and because commonly, these deities are male in the mythology, we will use "god" and masculine pronouns from here on out)

One of the most commonly heard answers for how this evil came to be and is allowed to exist is the complication of free will. The story goes that the perfect christian god wanted humans to have free will, but as we are not perfect, like this god, we (referring to humans in general) used it to create evil. It seems to make sense as an excuse upon early examination. But it is not as simple as that. There are several problems with this defense.

First of all, if this god was truly all powerful, why would he create us with the capacity to hurt one another? Why wouldn’t he create us perfect, like him, so we did not have to hurt? If we act as if we have misused our free will, we forget to address the idea of why we have the will to choose evil in the first place. A god who loves us would simply avoid giving us the will to do evil. It makes no sense for god to purposefully create beings with flaws. We run into the same problems as we do with the argument before free will is added. Creating the capacity and the desire to do evil should be judged on the same terms that creating evil itself. If god did not intend to, he made a mistake and cannot be omnipotent, if he purposefully created this desire, he is malevolent, and if he was unaware, he cannot be truly all knowing.

Many will try to refute this, saying that their god had to create the capacity and desire to do evil in order to give us true free will, and without true free will, we could never be happy, but if this god was real, and all powerful, he is the one who made the previous statement true. The free will dilemma plays on our emotions as well, appealing specifically to fear. We all hate the idea of having no choice at all, so we think of this removal of free will as something terrifying and horrible in itself. But, our fear of lack of free will proves nothing. Lack of free will does not indicate suffering, and therefore does not indicate evil. In itself, lack of free will harms no one and it is only our desire to be free that makes this bad, and, again, with an all powerful god, our desire to have free will could have not been created, making us happy with our lack thereof free will. If we claim that free will simply cannot be true without the choice for evil, we leave the definition of true free will outside of god’s power. A god that is good would not knowingly make something that caused all sorts of horrible suffering the only way to true happiness, and a powerful god wouldn’t be powerless to change the definition of true happiness.

A second problem with the free will argument is that many evil things are not controllable by humans. Drought, flooding, tornados, tsunamis and other natural disasters fall into this category. These things, despite being unable to attribute to free will, cause death, destruction and heartache. The recent earthquake in Japan is a strong example of this. No human causes could be said to have created this earthquake; so obviously, free will had nothing to do with this destruction. Did god make them happen, if so, how can he still be all loving? Obviously the answer is that he can not.

Attempts are made to explain evil as deserved, or a natural consequence of defying the perfect god, because it was all part of this perfect being's plan. This works okay for fornicators who, now married cannot conceive and for those who do not worship a god and have lost their money or power. But it is inconceivable that a loving god is punishing the 6 year old who prays to him every night to make her daddy stop raping her, or the teenage boy who gets beaten every day, and beaten more often if he cries about it, who goes to church and thanks his god that his parents haven't killed him yet, or even the god fearing, churchgoing woman who prayed for a baby and conceived, but her child died before he had a chance to be born. If evil was a punishment for our own misdeeds, we would see only bad people hurt. We would see no one who follows god be harmed and everyone who does not listen live an entirely miserable life. This is in stark contrast with what we see happening in reality. The randomized application of painful circumstance is irreconcilable with a perfect plan. No god who would willingly inflict such an awful life on people who have done everything he asked of them can be considered truly loving.

Satan: he is one of the easiest excuses people have used. Satan created evil. He is the one who instilled this bloodlust, sadism and vengeance into human kind. Their god can obviously not be blamed for something that he didn't do. So, we can all blame Satan and rejoice in god to help keep ourselves from going astray. Luckily, even if we succumb to the desires that Satan, god is willing to forgive us. This sounds wonderful so far, but as with the other excuses the religious have for still believing, this falls apart under even the slightest scrutiny. We must question why this god made Satan and why he continues to allow Satan to exist when he only causes pain. Is it that he can’t bear to delete him from existence? Why would a god who decided to torture everyone who did not follow him correctly for all of eternity have an issue with ridding the world of the ultimate evil and make suffering disappear. We come around to the willing able and aware dilemma again. Did god intentionally make this thing knowing he was going to create evil? He is malevolent. Was he unaware of what he was doing? He is not omnipotent. Or did he somehow find himself unable to avoid creating him? He is not all-powerful, so this explanation, as the others, falls apart.

Another common response is that without evil, we could not know what good is. This concept is patently ridiculous. Humans do not need to experience pain to know that it exists, or that pleasure is good. Think of it this way: Can people, without having experienced an abusive relationship, know that a loving, respectful, emotionally supportive relationship is good? Most of them, myself included, can understand this perfectly. We can all recognize good and pleasure without experiencing pain. Also, even if we could not recognize good without it. We are limiting god’s power if we assume he can not change this about us. And if he will not change this about us, that makes him evil. Even if we take for granted this is true, and that god for some reason made it so, it is still possible to understand the concept of evil without seeing it occur, that is to say that we need only be able to conceptualize evil and we can do that without it’s existence in the real world. The all powerful creator could have given us the idea of evil without its existence, through stories, or simply our capacity for imagination. To say that god could not let us conceptualize evil without seeing it is to again, limit his power. 

Once we acknowledge that god is responsible for the things we call evil, many theists will attempt to explain this away by saying that there is no such thing as evil, or good for that matter. They say that it’s “limiting” to define things this way. So, when we see evil, it’s really good but we don’t realize it. There is a point to this argument. No, all things cannot be blindly attributed to black and white categories, all good and all evil. But there are things we call evil. The most meaningful definition of evil given by dictionary.com is “characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering” and we can see that misfortune and suffering exist. Taking away the power of the word “evil” or showing that good and evil have blurry lines and things that appear good can be evil and that seem evil can be good does not disprove the existence of evil. All that this does is prove that definitions of words are subjective and the world is complicated. This does not address the fact that, if there is a god, he is responsible, directly, or through negligence, for every bit of suffering, physical or emotional, that any being has experienced thus far. He has refused to use his power to prevent this evil from happening. Subjective definitions of evil aside, god allows pain and suffering on this planet, else he doesn't exist.

If it is not that evil is not real, we often hear theists resort to the claim that god can be unwilling to prevent evil, but also not malevolent. He is letting us learn from experience, like parents that would let their child try to do something beyond their skill level and allow them to fail. There are a few different problems with this comparison, though.

The first is that god, unlike a father or mother on earth, supposedly has power to do anything and this includes impart to us the knowledge of what will happen when we do things without making us experience the horrible things. This excuse also has the same problems as with evil being a deserved punishment. It seems like it may make sense for those who choose to do horrible things, and god makes them suffer the consequences. A murderer being jailed, for instance, or more directly, the man who participated in cock fighting, tied razor blades to his chicken and wound up dead from a slit throat. But what did that six month old do wrong, that she had to die from SIDS in her crib. How does the notion that god was just letting her “see the consequences” of her actions go?

Another problem is that more painful evil can not be compared to something as petty as a failed art project or attempt to cross the monkey bars. These are things like the holocaust; people being tortured, day in day out for their entire lives, people being worked and then beaten to death, children being locked in closets to starve and only let out to be hurt, babies being nearly drowned to be supposedly scared into listening to their parents. This sort of cruelty is on a whole different level than letting one’s children try something they aren’t ready to try. If a god would let this go on, it is inexcusable. This sort of thing can not be brushed away with the notion of letting people see what happens to them when they do not use their free will as they were told to.

Despite any attempts to explain this dilemma away, it will always be present that if god could change these things, but won’t, it is cruelty, if he can’t change them, but wants too, he is limited in power, and if he is completely unaware then he cannot be all knowing. Any additions made to this simple statement just create another thing that this god could have changed but didn’t, or something that this god wanted to change but couldn’t , or something of which this god was simply unaware. All of this disproves, by definition, a being many define as their god.

The Stories Bodies Tell Us

This is a parallel of my wonderful Halley's post.

My fourth toe on my left foot is crooked, because I come from a family where this is normal, the one on my right foot is straight because, around age 8, I tripped over a toy and broke it straight.

My toenails have a little chipped yellow polish on them; I like to have fun with "girly" things, and then don't care enough to upkeep them.

My legs aren't shaved, because I don't much care to shave them.

My calves are muscular, mostly from holding so much weight off the ground, but they also tell the story of marching band, something that was fun that I used to fill up the space in my life around my halley when I couldn't talk to her before.

My vulva, generally isn't messed with, because I like the way it naturally is most times. When it has been shaved, it shows I'm ready for some oral sex, actually

My genitals, overall, are intact and not pierced, showing I come from a culture where female genital mutilation is not allowed by law, and that I don't want to modify my body on my own terms much.

My tummy is big, with stretch marks all over. They're purple and red and run deep. I don't mind them, and my halley says they're there for ayees to feel and I like that. I like how it's not all smooth and there are little valleys to feel.

My chest is uneven, and I have a little freckle type spot on the bottom of my left areola that makes me happy. I like how none of it is symmetrical.

I have long fingers just like my daddy, and a freckle that I use to tell my left from right that's right on the web of skin attached to the thumb of my left hand.

My left eye has a pupil that's shaped like pac-man. It doesn't affect my vision, except through a microscope. When looking into one, I have that pie-slice cutout in my vision. (must be something about how microscopes work)

My hair has recently been cut to a little over my shoulders. I like it this way because I feel more androgynous.

I am special. And I am the only one with a body that tells all of these stories.

Where to Start?

I love harvest moon games. The first one I got was A wonderful life, for the game-cube, and I've expanded my collection since then, to have played at least until marriage in quite a few of them. Now, these are cutesy games. There's no fighting and no violence. It's a peaceful, maintenance type game where you take care of a farm. You buy animals, water crops, build friendships, and, mostly in some of the newer games, you can fish and mine to add to your farming or ranching income. So, this game isn't for everyone, but I love simplistic relationship building, and watching things slowly upgrade after in-game years worth of work. (Just to be clear, nothing I say below is to demonize Natsume, Nintendo, or anyone else involved in the creation, nor is it a dislike of the game overall. I like this game, and gender and sexuality issues aside, if you're the type to like nonviolent cutesy stuff, you should totally try out these games.)


But recently, I've been upset by the utter lack of possibility for any same sex relationships and cross-dressing. The specific to gender clothing makes me even more upset because in the instruction manual for animal parade, under the section explaining differences in playing as a boy or a girl, in an attempt to be funny, there is a statement that the main differences are clothing followed by "(duh...)" This bothers me actually a lot more than the lack of ability for clothing thought to be specific of one gender. The fact that it is considered such an obvious thing that it would be unthinkable to cross-dress makes me feel like crying. And the same sex marriage, because I like being a girl. I like it a lot. But I also don't like to marry the guys on these games. No, I'm not sexually attracted to harvest moon characters, but I just plain like the feminine ones better. They're cuter, I like them more, and most importantly, I don't see why it shouldn't be a possibility to build romantic relationships with same sex characters. So what am I to do? Well, my compromise is to play choosing a guy, and suspend my gender identity for a little bit. It's not that hard. But that's not what I want to do.


So what am I to do about it? I could write the company. It's been done. Apparently, our american gaming rating system would take the rating up to T or maybe even M if they were in a bad mood. So, there goes half of their fan base. So, what? Do I talk to the ratings company? I bet they do nothing if I do. Besides, they'll say they just try to reflect the ideals of parents. It's this, this little stuff right here, that makes me so upset about discrimination. 


Yes, it makes my blood boil to hear about kids bullied to death over their sexual orientation. But those are the sorts of things that are (ever so slowly) disappearing, and being condemned by mainstream media and parents. It's the things like childhood exposure to gay love (not sex, or anything sexual, mind you, hand holding and the statement of love's existence) not being okay, or the idea of a guy wearing a dress being laughably insane that make me want to curl up and cry.


It's because I don't know where to start with this. What do you do to change an entertainment form based on cultural support based on an entertainment form? It's so circular that I feel helpless to stop it. But, I guess I'm not the only one who wants these things to change. And cultural acceptance in general seems to be the way to go. So, I guess for now, I'll make you love me and put a friendly face on homosexuality, and try to help gender-queer, inter-sex, and transgender movements do the same. And that, along with identifying as a male long enough to play harvest moon, will have to do for now.
     

Hypothetical

Okay, so there's this guy without any toes. He's happy. He loves himself and his life, and even though he has a harder time balancing than the guy next to him, it's not a big deal, because he's never known what it was like to have toes. His parents had them removed when he was just a newborn. Now, this was excruciatingly painful for him, but he doesn't remember it, so he doesn't really think about it and he doesn't really care. He has a son, and he wants his son's toes cut off. Toes are hard to clean between, you know? And whatever balance problems exist, the man figures if he's totally happy with his balance, why should his son care? Besides, removing them has some other health benefits too, such as later in life, a toe could get a hair or small string caught around it and have serious problems; This happens to at least a few babies a year (both hypothetically and in real life). And feet have a lot  more surface area with toes attached, which means they make more sweat, and that's really just gross.

Is it okay for him to have his son's toes removed? Chances are, you'll say no.

Now, imagine this guy lives on another planet, and on this planet, this toe removal happens to most children in the world at birth. In fact, they refer to those who haven't had it done as "non-de-toed", and kids with toes are sure to be made fun of in the locker room.

Does this change anything? Chances are, you'll say no.

Now, go back through and replace toes with foreskin, harder time balancing with decreased penis sensitivity and sexual enjoyment, toes are hard to clean between with an intact penis is hard to clean, the string or hair around toes with the zipper issues, greater sweat production with smegma, the other planet with america "non-de-toed" with "uncircumcised", and kids with toes to boys with foreskins

Fucking

Well, guys, it's time we talk even more about sex! My halley has a wonderful post up over on her blog. And I could never hope to equal it, but I do want to tell you how it feels to have such purely animalistic sex, just like she did.

See, I lose track of me and her. I lose track of my actions and her responses. There's so much pleasure and so much pain that I can't tell if I want it to stop, and even if a part of me did, I couldn't tell it to say no because this is just so good that the pain can never equal the pleasure, and I'm digging my nails into her and I'm not knowing what she feels or what's going on and I'm not hearing her or seeing her or even feeling her because I can't feel seperate enough from her to experience her. I just am her, and she is me and it feels so good, and I keep coming back to good, because all of my thoughts have turned to pleasure and all of my words have flown away. I can barely think good, and there's so much good and I can't feel anything else and I'm lost in her and I don't want to move and I want to squirm and I just want more, more, more, but I don't think I can take more because I don't know what will happen if I cum anymore and I'm watching her beauty, but I can't tell that she's not me, and I want it to go on forever and I want, I want, I can't stop wanting and the isatiable desire builds andd the more I get the more I want and I almost thank god that it doesn't stop, but then I remember this is not god, this is halley, but maybe halley is god, and then I want to worship her, I want to thank her, I want to scream my gratitude for her but my words are still gone so I settle on a moan, a loud, animalistic grunt and a scream, and I can't remember my name or the alphabet, and I don't remember who I am except that I belong with her and I can't remember what I like except this, just more of this feeling, just this forever, and there's good everywhere and I'm covered and wet and the only words I can remember are good and more, and I know that's what I want and I don't know anything about life except this, and that this is good.

Video Games and Atheism

So, I'm a pretty big fan of scribblenauts and super scribblenauts. These are both games for the nintendo D.S. with a really cool concept. The gameplay is simple and creative, as you can have any item you can spell (minus some deemed vulgar, or some that are too obscure to be programmed in) and in super scribblenauts, you can add adjectives. You use any items you can think of to solve puzzles designed to have multiple ways of completion. Anyone who is a fan of puzzle style games should really pick this game up; It's well worth the money you'll spend.

Anyway, enough about the game in general; I'm here to praise one specific concept that spoke volumes to me, as an athiest. I always played with god in the original scribblenauts. There's something satisfying as an atheist to make god and kill him with a shotgun, nuclear bomb, poisin, acid rain, fire, and just any number of things you can think of.

Only last night, though, did I ever think to put "atheist" into the little notebook. I expected that to be too specific a concept or religions or lack thereof to be considered too controversial for it to cover without being accused of "stereotyping", but, no, to my suprise, a small, black haired guy in blue jeans and a skull shirt showed up for me to place. I happily showered him in gifts, flowers, food, some golden wings, money, and the little wrapped box with a bow that shows up when you use "Gift". Okay, so I get to feeling way to warmly towards video game characters. That's not the point.

The reason I'm writing this is what happened when I made god, to see how he and the atheist would interact. What happened? My little atheist guy ran over to god, the gear (far as I can tell, stands for thinking, working or fixing something) symbol came in a thought bubble, and god disappeared. Some people have said the athiest killed him, but I don't think that's the case. You see, in super scribblenauts, everything has four little life points, shown as red circles above them before they die or disappear. And god didn't lose his life points in this, he simply disappeared in a flash. I interpret the entire following as the atheist disproving god, and making him disappear. He does the same to a goddess. He does the same to zeus (looks just like god) and odin. I couldn't get the game to recognize any other gods I knew the name of, but I plan to try more. The general point: atheism disproves god.

So, to whoever on the creation and design team was responsible for this: Thank you, from an atheist for making your game represent atheism as correct. I know it's a small thing, but this mention and following makes me so happy. Let me say it one more time

Thank you, super scribblenauts creators
Sincerely,
a happy atheist

How I masturbate- parallel of Halley

Okay, guys, so the blog description promised "sex" as the second thing on here! So, it's about damn time that I talked about something sexual! Okay, okay, so we're all uncomfortable talking about things like this. Everyone does it (or just about) and it's a good thing for us all! Also, Halleyland readers, I'd like to share with you a different perspective on how it goes, because, guys, I don't know if you've heard, but everyone's different. And this includes masturbating differently.

I'm hard to get off. I can't do it without a lot lot lot of stimulation. And it used to make me so pissed that it's unbelievable. So, the advice she gave you, about relaxing? Yeah, do it. I had to calm the fuck down before I could masturbate effectively. After relaxation, there are lots of things you can do. I use water too.

You see, first, I fill our tub with water. Our tub makes it easy because it's a jacuzzi tub, with the jets and stuff. (my dad does a lot of side work as a lowe's installer, so he gets all of our normally expensive appliances for incredibly reduced prices.) All I do is get in, relax for a minute, turn on the water jets, and turn down the water pressure on every jet except for one. Then, I curl around it with my feet up on the side of the tub. I wriggle around until it's at an angle to push back the skin by itself and directly hit my clitoris. I generally don't move once it's there and let the water do the rest of the work. I've recently found that using a little diluted tea-tree oil (used in shampoo to prevent lice and help overly oily hair)  helps out for me. I just apply it to the general area I use to masturbate. I'd reccommend trying this with an extremely diluted amount first if you want to try it out. depending on your sensitivity level, too much could cause burning feeling or a rash.

Personally, I like to try to sing through it all. I guess that's weird. Well, I know that's really weird, but I find it's an amusing challenge. And leaning to be quiet or at least sound like you're doing something non-sexual can be beneficial. You never know when you might have some annoying neighbor or roomate who doesn't want to hear you having sex. You should try it for the fun of it, guys. :) It might make you giggle and it'll help keep it not too serious. It doesn't need to be all that serious. It should be fun, and for me, this is just the way to relax.

Darkness

My girl is dark. She has a scary place inside her mind that sends out some of the most fucked up things I've ever seen. I debated on this a long time ago. Is this a problem? Is it a symptom of a problem? I thought long and hard and realized that no, no it is not. And I haven't had a regret about them since.

Maybe it would be helpful to describe in a bit more detail what I mean by these "things". Her stories, the ones she comes up with in her head are dark. And I'm not saying someone dies in some. I'm saying that in her stories, every character has been orphaned, abandoned, whipped, beaten, scarred, raped, enslaved, in whatever way, everyone comes with extreme damage. When left to wander, her mind goes darker places than I ever could have imagined.

Just last night we had a namic where she was a slave and I was the kind daughter of his owner. She wanted beaten completely bloody, til she could barely move, and once I fixed that, she wanted to be raped and beaten again, turned into scars upon scars. This is her idea of fun. And it's deeper and darker than I could ever come up with on my own. 

I don't know where it comes from. I don't know if it comes from her history of abuse or from something else. Wherever it comes from, I know it in and of itself is not hurting her. And, to tell you the truth, that's all I care about. I love her regardless. In fact, knowing her mind can go to such incredibly dark places makes me feel good about her love for me. I mean, if someone who can be so dark can giggle with me, play with me, give me kisses, feed me touch me with such gentle hands, snuggle me and enjoy herself, that really shows she loves me. She's not just that light and fun with anyone. It takes some real love to pull her mind out of that and into my heart.

Sistering or Mothering

I watch Joey a lot. He is home alone with me at least 3 days a week for at least 8 hours each day. This is a conservative estimate since my mom often works five days a week, and 11 hour shifts. In addition to that, I watch him without being his sole caretaker, just an additional one almost constantly. I've been told that I'm more of a mother to him than a sister, and this makes my dad angry. This gets me thinking. What is the difference between being a mother and being a sister in spirit? I mean, biologically having a child makes you a mom, and so does legally having a child. But is it caring 5 days a week mothering rather than sistering.


I often feel (usually when cooking) like I'm a stay at home mom to Joey. I feel very mmmm being in charge of caring for Joey so often. I have fun making our let's plays and playing in the water outside. I put him to bed (well, I did during the school year. I think it's mean to tell children they are required to go to bed at any time unless they have to be up early the next day but that's a post in itself) And it feels so great to snuggle with him in the morning before we start the day. My litte boy is perfect.

So, I guess it doesn't much matter mothering or sistering. I'm caring for a child who I love very very much, and whatever you call it, I love it.

Depression

A little extra info on that last post: I am prone to feeling very sad, very easily. Sometimes, for no reason at all I feel like everything is awful, and specifically like I am awful. So, something like an extremely terrible score on a test is enough to make me want to curl into a ball and cry. This seems to happen to me all the time. I'm over-emotional and I don't understan why, no matter how much confidence I build talking to Halley, or even through other things, I just feel like crying so much.


I don't know if any of this is clinical. It feels like that might be an exaggeration to think so. Maybe there's some kind of brain chemistry mistake that can be fixed. Or maybe I'm just messed up beyond repair. I don't know


And I hate to get into this cycle of bad. It's so hard to get out of it. First I feel bad about myself, so, okay, I act a bit sad, then, I feel bad about being so sad. I mean, shouldn't I be more grateful and happy all the time? I have someone so wonderful who cares about me. So, I feel guilty about that. Then, me feeling guilty seems to make Halley feel bad about not having been good enough to fix it. But it wasn't her fault in the first place, so then I've got to feel bad about that. And I have no idea how to fix the horrible cycle.


But then, i don't wann get caught too i this moment. I know there are beautiful cycles that are hard to break too. So, maybe soon I'll feel better

Math and Self-esteem

So, I'm really terrible at math, and that makes me a little scared. I mean, guys, I'm naturally insecure, but academics are usually the place I know I'm good. So, when I see I've done terribly on a test of sorts, I feel bad about me. See, I just took my math placement test for college today, and got placed in elementary algebra review; not the place I'd want myself to be in. I mean, I knew I wouldn't do that well, but my goodness, I never expected to need to take an 8th grade level course my first year of college.

 Am I so stupid I need to take middle school all over again? I mean, I know I'm not great at math, but I never expected fours years of school below average.  I'm scared. It's hard for me to remember I'm okay when my test scores aren't at least above average.

So, what is there to do? I can take refuge in my Halley girl, but she seems absent today. It's not her fault. I'm sure it's autism or something else way more important than my need for comfort, but I just feel, well, bad about me. I've tried to help her feel better, but I'm not even sure why she seems so gone. I'm sure she's sick of me whining about how I feel so bad about me. So what now? That's where  I always try to take comfort. Should I just take a nappy, maybe? I don't know. It doesn't feel like anything will make me feel better.

So, I guess that's all depressing. I guess I'll just wait it out. Maybe I'll naturally feel better eventually?

On my weight

I am fat. I am 5'7 and weight between 210 and 220lbs. This used to bother me a lot, well, not the 220, but when I was around 180, I used to hate myself. I thought I was gross and disgusting. I thought that I didn't deserve someone to be good to me, because, look at me, aren't I disgusting? But I'm not. 


I'm beautiful, and it took my  special halley girl to show me just how beautiful I am. She held me and told me how absolutely gorgeous I was, and it made me feel better.  She showed me that I'm not disgusting and that I deserve to be with someone who treats me like a princess. Just a fat princess. Now, I feel silly for caring about my weight like that. Yeah, I should drop some to be healthy, and I may do that, but not a whole lot, because, you know what, I like me just the way I am.

conforming to anti conformity- Parallel guest post by Halley

Let's just start out by saying, I'm fucking weird. Quite a lot of this is due to autism, some of it isn't. But it's the autism that causes me to do certain things. See, I've found that you can be weird as fuck, and as long as you fit into some sort of subculture, people will dismiss you instead of hassling you about it. I hate most social interactions; I don't want to talk to people, I really, really just want most of them to go away. I love my friends and Goddess and they are exceptions (Goddess always, friends occasionally), but the majority of the population, I want to leave me alone. 
I've never been too good at changing who I am, but changing my clothes is easy, although I'm not very good at misrepresenting myself, I can try. For a while there, I tried being an emo kid, although, honestly, I was closer to Goth. I wore the black clothes, with long sleeves to cover my cuts, yeah, I was a cutter. I never did learn how to cry a lot, mainly I just looked dead. I really was depressed, and I liked my black clothes, not how they looked per se, but how they showed how I felt on the inside. Yes, I'm a cliche, I know. I felt empty inside, I hurt, and I thought, at least on some level, if I could show the world, then someone would make the pain go away. It also made me fit into a crowd, something that almost never happens, and gave me shelter from all the eyes.
I listened to emo music, but it wasn't tough enough for me in general, as Goddess could tell you, I'm not good at whining (or begging), but I was in pain, so I tried to look it. I ended up with more death metal than emo music, but hey, it counts, right? I was a bad emo, all I really had was the cutting, suicidal ideas, and black clothing. 
Now I've found an even better way to get people not to hassle me, and I get to actually be me, if you are a certain level of weird, you seem to turn invisible.

What About the Violence?

From what I can tell, most peaceful parents are against all violence in life. So am I. But, as I've mentioned, Joey and I play a lot of video games. And, from what I can see, people in the peaceful parenting sphere would die if their children played games like these. I can't really understand why. I feel it's perfectly safe, acceptable, and even helpful to play games with a bit of violence.

Sure, people say exposing kids to violence normalizes it. You know what? I agree, and violence is normal. It's something that happens every day on this planet. Someone is killed, robbed, beaten, or raped every day, at the very least. That's not okay. And I don't think exposing kids to a violent T.V. show or video game okays violence. I think it's the surrounding parents and caregivers that make the violence okay or not. If you use video games as a babysitter, instead of talking and playing, or express approval for everything the character does, then yeah, your kids might think violence is okay. But the strongest tool you have for child raising is communication. I discuss with Joey what he's seeing. I've told him "I know you have fun playing with the game and killing the enemies with your sword, but in real life, violence is not okay" many different times in many different words. And guess what? Joey isn't a violent child. He's peacable, easygoing, even, and I've never seen him hit another person.

And violence in games, I think, can help diffuse violence in real life.  I know that when I feel angry and want to hurt someone, I feel a whole lot better when I can vent the frustration into killing things that are just pixels on a screen. I think it can be a useful tool in preventing violence, rather than an enabler of violence. And, whether you choose to allow your children to play violent games or not, you can relax about what they see. Children can know right from wrong and they don't think everything they see a lot is okay. Ask a child of a non-peaceful parent about spanking. I can almost guaruntee you they will say that this thing they see everyday, as normal, is wrong.

LGBT Discrimination

I've never been beaten, or had things thrown at me. I've never tried to do anything and been told "you can't because you're gay". The discrimination is all unofficial. Sure they were just following the rules when giving Halley and me detention for PDA; We were literally breaking a rule, and they did have the right layed out in the handbook to call parents for anything they want. But, walking around, there are straight couples with detention for the same thing, and their parents don't even know about it. And there are straight couples doing the same things that we were doing, going unnoticed. No, they never made a special rule that said "lesbians can't display affection" but they did enforce the "couples can't display affection" rule unequally.

We also had an event in which Halley was told not to talk to any middle school students whilst tutoring about me. Not don't talk about sex, not don't talk about gay rights overall and how the kids should be supporting gay marriage, but that, even if asked, she was not allowed to say "I am a lesbian" and she was not allowed to say anything that indicated that, because "these kids are too young for that kind of stuff" I'm not sure what kind of stuff those teachers were meaning, but if they meant romantic relationships over all, I find it pretty unusual, as I can remember teachers discussing their husbands and wives since kindergarden, and most of the kids have parents, statistically, that are involved in one romantic relationship or another.

At a school sponsored after-prom event, we were told hugging wasn't allowed. Maybe that was overall, maybe I was overreacting, and they didn't see the other couples, but a few friends were hugging too, and never got told to stop. It just so happened to be only the gay couple that was  told there was no hugging allowed.

Do these things count as discrimination? I think so. Should something be done to stop things like this? I think so. I propose a bit more transparency and equal application of the rules, also, normalizing homosexuality can help, that way it isn't so surprising when it happens. Yes, we are a minority, we are not shockingly so, and personally, I believe in the fluid scale of sexuality, so, really, everyone's at least a little gay, and at least a little straight.

Breastfeeding

Yeah, it's time to talk about breastfeeding, one of my obsessions. It's very important to breastfeed. Many people don't realize how big of a difference it makes to breastfeed your baby, but research shows that not breastfeeding can cause an increased risk of ear infections, diarrhea, upper respiratory infections, and even childhood cancer. Those are just a few. Don't take my word for it; have a look
http://www.llli.org/docs/Outcomes_of_breastfeeding_June_2007.pdf
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17764214/
http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=14660645

You can check those facts and look for sources, but what it all boils down to is that formula is dangerous for babies. Please, don't put your babies at risk for these kinds of things. If you love your baby, breastfeed, and if it's not working right, do a little research, or hire a lactation consultant, hey, you might meet me, since that is my desired plan in life.

You may wonder why I'm saying that formula is dangerous instead of that breastmilk is helpful. Well,there's a good reason: breastfeeding is natural, it's normal, and it's expected out of every mother. So, the natural state of things is the immunities in breastmilk, while the lacktherof, is subnormal, inadequate and dangerous. I'm sure there will be more installments on breastfeeding to come soon, but for now, everyone, please think about it, if you ever intend to have children

Video Game Logic

Video games, for the most part are a past time meant for amusement only. They have little practical value, because no matter how good you are at them, it doesn't usually have the ability to translate into real life. Well, most of the time. In this post, I'm going to explain how video games can teach us a few things about real life.

1. It can't be impossible
The game designers would never make a game that was literally impossible to beat. They would never make any money. Now, this lesson can't be directly applied to real life, because real life doesn't have a game designer, so, some things are literally impossible. This is rare. And, usually, something anyone would want to do is possible. If you can't get through an area in a video game, You step back and examine your options. Is it possible to get through the way you're going? Are you not skilled enough to make it through? or are you trying to complete it the wrong way? These can all be applied to life. If you're trying to do something impossible, try looking at it again to see if you should practice more, or go a different way, or if that's just not the right thing for your life

2. You are special
In most video games, at least the type I play, you are the hero; the one destined to save the world from all evil. If someone says "you can't do that!", you prove them wrong. A forest child in a green tunic can be the savior of the world. In real life, you may be pretty average. But you are still unique, you are special, and there are things you can do that no one else can. And, a lot of the time, you can do things that everyone says you can't. You are the only one who is you.

3. Let someone else take over
This is a basic extention of #1. So, maybe it's not impossible, but no matter how much skill you have, you just can't master this one room in the dungeon. If you're playing with someone else, that usually means you let them take a turn at it. In life, that can mean a few different things. If it's impossible for you, you can ask for help is the simplest way to put it. I don't know how many times I've left life up to my Halley girl, and things have all turned out way better than if I'd tried them myself.

4. Take a break
When you've tried a level a million times, and just keep dying, what do you do? If you're like me, you probably put the controller down and leave the room, you talk to friends, eat, sleep, or go somewhere. This method is great for when you have put way too much effort into one goal or another and it just doesn't seem right. I find that when you take a break, it's easier to finish because you're frustration level is down

and finally

5. If you don't know, go to the internet
If you're totally stumped and just need to find that one last thing, an online walkthrough of that game is a great place to turn. Now, while you can follow video game walkthroughs blindly, I wouldn't suggest doing the same with life, but when you feel all alone in being you, the internet can help you get out of the immediate cultural mindset and to a more global standpoint. Also, taking advice at your discretion from bloggers and strangers can be helpful, at least, occasionally.

Anitilian

Halley and I have our own language. We call it Anitilian. Now, it's not an entire language; It's a decently sized set of words that evolved themselves from purposeful baby talk, sleepy mistakes, and wanting to talk about "inappropriate" things in front of people who could affect us with their consequences. That we can talk in a way that no one else knows makes me unbelievably happy. I feel so mmmmm, the anitilian word for something a bit more than comfort and warmth, based on the natural contented sigh type noise we make when together. I may describe more of the language because it slips up every once in a while when I talk or write to other people, so, when here, instead of changing it, I'll explain the word meaning and it's origin. I'll start you off with one she described on her own blog.

Namic- a mix between play pretend kid games and sexual roleplay, deeply involved and participated in by both of us.
Origin- Interesting relationship dynamic,   relationship dynamic, lationship namic, namic

Anitilian- Our personal language
origin- a corruption of the common letters in our full names. "anytlean" was how it started, and we changed the spelling to one we found better.

Conformity and Anticonformity

Above:not my thing

I love pink. I love swirlies and cutesy backgrounds. I like to wear rainbows, hearts, and pictures of cartoon characters. I often find that kids' songs sound better to me than rock and roll, metal, or anything else those emo kids listen to. I can handle black, as a color (or lack therof if you wanna talk science). I don't like it as the main facet of anything. I don't like to wear it. I don't like the look of skulls and blood as detail.

I have always been this way, I have not, however, always acted this way. You, see, I tried a couple of years ago to fit in with some wonderful people who I love very much. I thought that's what I had to do to show that I don't care what most of society says a girl should wear, I like these clothes. But I didn't. And I'm not sure that was as destructive as trying to fit in or not, but I think trying to fit out was a really bad thing for me. I could've been me, and I know these people, they would have loved me just the same. But instead, I was afraid. I tried to hide happiness and cheer behind black and blood and skulls, for fear of seeming too normal. Ironically, I spent so much time in front of the mirror, trying to look just depressed enough, in order to make people think I didn't care how I looked, and I was just going to express myself.  I also associated these things with growing up, which I cared very deeply about at the time. I thought if I dressed how I wanted to, drew pictures how I wanted to, owned pretty items that I wanted to, I would be forever stuck a kid, and that I wouldn't be mature enough for anyone to love me, especially those friends that had the same general stuff that I did.

Now, I was depressed during some of that, and I was a cutter, but I didn't want to wear those clothes for my own sake. I didn't want to look like that. Despite the depression, I always thought a rainbow of colors looked better than abscence, and hearts looked better than skulls. So now? I've stopped being a weird emo hipster and trying so hart to not fit in that I'm forgetting who I am. I'm loving me wtih the cutesy stuff and all.

So to anyone fighting with the same delima, don't forget that anticonformity is not the same as nonconformity. Follow what you love, and people who are worth it will love you just the same. Don't stress so much about just being who you are

pictured below: exactly my thing



Sunscreen

I don't understand why parents put so much effort into parenting in such a harmful way. It's so much easier to be peaceful. So, time for a personal anecdote.

I was playing outside with Joey a little while back and it was time to reapply sunscreen. 6 year olds have a reputation for being unable to see the consequences of their actions, and I could understand he would get burned and possibly increase his risk for skin cancer. He could not and got very upset when I told him he had to put more on. The conversation went something like this:

"Joey, you have to put on more sunscreen."
"no! I won't!"
"If  you don't, you will get burned and might get a really bad kind of disease"
"I wanna get burnt!"
"I don't think you do" (I knew he didn't mean what he was saying, at this point)

Then he started to run away from me, so I followed him, and picked him up, carrying him to the porch and the sunscreen. I could have punished him, and told him I'd take things away from him. Instead, I tried the following:

"You have two choices. You can put on sunscreen or go inside"
"none choices!" his way of saying neither
"I'm sorry, those are your only two. If you try to run away from me again, you are choosing go inside."
So, he ran away again, I picked him up again and carried him inside.
"okay, inside it is then"
"Sis, can I play with your 3ds?"
"Yes"
And he was happy, I was happy, and no one was hurting, crying, screaming, bruised, burnt, existing with increased risk of skin cancer, in a corner, restrained from enjoying themselves, or spoiled somehow. And it took less effort than forcible restraint or threat of physical punishment. It seems silly how so many parents would have said "If you won't put it on, then you will get a spanking/you are grounded/you aren't allowed outside again."
Be easy with your kids, and everyone is happier.

Introduction

Hi! My name is Brittany. I am 17 years old, and can describe myself in a lot of ways. I am as liberal as they come. I am a screaming advocate for peaceful, natural parenting, and a proud sister to 6 year old Joey. I try to care for him in the ways I would care for my own children, but sometimes his parents get in my way. It's hard to practice peaceful parenting with a child that isn't yours. haha. I am also a lesbian, and proud of it. I'm in love with My beautiful, precious girl, Halley. I am proud to be with her and love her so much. I'm kinky; Naturally submissive, but usually playing the dominant role, because Halley loves it so much. I'm a girly sort of girl. I love dresses and sparkles and pink and rainbows. I am an atheist, and consider religion frankly dangerous, therefore hate it. I do not hate religious people, though. I love some of them a lot and hope to "show them the light" so to speak. I am a total child at heart. I love dolls and kids' shows. Especially Moose and Zee on noggin. I have one new, special doll. She's 18 inches and her name is Lellianna. I love to play with her and be a mommy. Speaking of which, I am the type to want to be a stay at home mommy. I want to take care of my babies and cook and clean for my wife. I don't feel anyone should be forced to do what makes them unhappy. I feel I should have every right to work any place that offers jobs to people, but that I should have the right to opt out. I am a gamer and a let's player. I love the classic series like Zelda, Mario, and Final Fantasy. I also love Kingdom Hearts and have played quite a few other games. Shooters are not my thing and I am not even interested enough to pick up a controller for them. As for let's plays, Joey and I have started a let's play of majora's mask. If you want to find it, the channel is SissyandJoeyLP. Anyway, guys, I don't think I've left any of the main things I wanted to cover out of this, so I'm done!