Choice And Enforcement

Most of my life, I want to spend in my home. I want to wear dresses and aprons and prepare food and clean. I want, most of all to mother. I want to feel my children in my arms, to love them and hold them and watch them grow. I want to be pretty, dressed up and I want to sparkle. I want a wedding where I get a beautiful dress and there are flowers about and all eyes are on how beautiful I am for a moment. I want to settle down and live my life without the sort of job that requires I leave my house. I want to leave the work up to Halley.

But I don't think all women should have to do that. Being born with a vagina doesn't mean you're required to want those things. You can want a childless life with a fulfilling job, and wear only pants and never so much as touch a stove and that's okay. I like that feminism is about choice. Even though I want to stay at home and raise children, I want to have the option to get a job and get paid the same amount as any man, and more importantly, I don't want what choices I am making consciously to be forced upon every other person with female reproductive organs.

Sorry if this post seems bizarre and obvious, but it seems like women who happen to choose a life that would be okay according to gender stereotypes rarely go out of their way to dispel the myth that they agree with them.

Natural and Unnatural Childbirth

The tone of every conversation in society is acceptance. We want to accept people who make different choices than we would personally, and, on the whole, that is a wonderful thing. It's good when discussing religion, good when discussing gender roles and sexual orientation, and good when discussing all manner of small personal choices, like how to dress, what job to do, and what to do in your free time. But it's not so good when we discuss birth.

You see, I want to dispel the myth that supporting natural childbirth is about suffering. My support of natural childbirth is not because the women who experienced it suffered for their children, and, in fact, I really wish all women could experience completely painless labor. Most natural childbirth advocates do. The want for natural childbirth stems from the desire for the health and comfort of the baby. Many unnatural birth supporters seem to believe that birth is some sort of contest for women, and I've heard it compared to something with a scoring system with points awarded based on how natural it was or how bad it hurt.  This is not true.

I support natural birth because I believe that a baby has the right to come into this world in the most comfortable, healthy way possible. I don't support it because I think women should suffer for their children.

I'm back!

I'm terribly sorry about the lag in posting. I've made it to college and it kind of consumed my whole life for a bit. Being here, I feel like I've barely had time to breathe because there is so much to do. So many things I'm responsible for and so many fun things to do in addition. Well, this is just a quick post to say hello and I'm going back to blogging on a semi-regular basis now.

I Just Had My Heart Melted

I was pissed off. I was royally, red in the face angry, and ready to tear someone down because I haven't gotten my psychology text book yet. I orderecd it Thursday on overnight shipping and it is scheduled to be here Monday for some inexplicable reason.

 So, I called the bookstore from my college and said in an angry voice "Hi. I'm calling about an order I placed on overnight that's not even going to be here until I get there". Then some guy who sounded not much older than me said "oh!" kind of surprised "I'm sorry." and asked nicely for the details. I told him and he said "well, I'm not supposed to deal with the online orders, but I'll see how I can help you out." he seemed genuinely saddened by the fact that I had a problem and all the wind was immediately removed from my angry sails.  He proceeeded to help by asking a manager for special permission for me to pick up a different copy of the book on monday and return my own whenever it should get here. The manager agreed and I tried to change the shipping on the order for the books, but that didn't work because of a stupid UPS issue.

 So I called the bookstore again, and they told me that it would probably be easier to place another order for instore pickup, but said he would assure that any issues were worked out with UPS if I'd rather have him do that.  In short, I called in a rage and then people were concerned for another person's welfare, and I hung up warmed from the inside about the nature of human beings. It's simple tiny things like this that make all the difference

Preemptive Strike

Halley is away at college for a few days before I get there, and, as always, separation makes me a little nervous. But it's been a whole lot easier this specific time around because xe's been reassuring me by giving a blatant statement of how xe loves me regardless of where we are or what we're doing. And it's working. I feel really relaxed, and, if I can tell you a secret, I think I'm not even going to need it anymore after I just did it. My irrational fear of losing halley is evaporating. I'm not so scared clingy, which was taking a toll on our relationship. And now it's gone! All I had to do was indulge my desire to be reassured and it disappeared.

Conflict Resolution

I felt sad. We made mistakes. And we talked them out. That's not to say that there weren't bumps along the way. That's not to say we didn't have a kind of difficult time with it. I was hurting. I made some mistakes. Calling it unable to be made up for to xyr.

But Halley and I? We don't just break up over something so silly. It was a mistake for her, what instigated it, and we've established the underlying reasons for the desire. I made a mistake, that was to tell xyr it was such a big deal. The point is, we talked it out. Unwillingness and pain aside, we made it through discussing it and we made each other feel better.

This is what makes or breaks a relationship. The way these situations get handled. And we handle them beautifully. The love we have is why we're here. It's why we want to be close and in contact. The love we have makes all of the bad times worth it, but the way we react and feel about each other when things hurt is what ensures we stay together in the moment. We always love each other. No matter what happens, I know I will always be loved and that I will always love my halley

Open

Our relationship is open, but with the understanding that it hurts me when xe does anything sexual with anyone else. I thought xe wouldn't do anything anymore, but, well, I'd never say that xe couldn't. I wouldn't take away the right to consent. Yesses and nos are both important parts of consensual actions. I'm just hurt now.

I feel sad. I knew the practical wasn't right for me. And I thought it wasn't right for us. Xe said, or at least implied as much. But, well, here we are. Yet again. Xe's been with someone else. Again. And I'm sad. Disappointed. Upset. Hurt. I feel alone. I wish that xe hadn't done this. But I've no right to be mad or anything. Thinking back on it, xe never promised not to. Just implied xe wouldn't. Implications and technicality mean I'm the one in the wrong here.

I'm nor sure how much I like my life right now. Earlier today, I thought everything was great. Was in a good mood for a long time. Now, I don't know. I kind of feel empty, sort of hollow and broken. I kind of want to sleep, but I also feel wired, so no sleep for me. I want an escape. I hate this place. I don't want this to be my life. I guess it is.

Xe's implied and promised again and again to stop. xe never does.  I promised not to leave. That it wouldn't be a deal breaker.  Plus, I love xyr. I want xyr to love me.

MGM and FGM: A comparison

Look. These aren't the same. I'm not saying they are. There are different types of each, some more and less severe. The most common type of female genital mutilation is more severe than the most common type of male genital mutilation.

But they are the same in that both rob a child of his or her right to his or her full body.
They both take away part of a human being without consent.
They both cause excruciating pain to the victim.
They can both cause death.
They both are attempted to be justified by religious reasons
They both are attempted to be justified by medical reasons.
They are both societally considered acceptable, albiet in different parts of the world.
They are both intended to rob the victim of sexual pleasure.

Consent is what's important. Watch this wonderful video, by youtube's freedom0speech. This may help explain to you what I mean.




The line between what should be allowed to be performed on minors belongs all the way at the bottom. ALL children deserve their full, intact bodies. I am as strongly against female genital mutilation as I am against male genital mutilation. No one here is minimalizing female genital mutilation. By supporting a ban on the forced genital cutting of minors, you show that sexism should not be allowed to be written into our laws. Males and females should be offered equal protection from those who wish to mutilate their genitals, no matter how severe or how mild it may be. Boys and girls have every right to intact bodies. No procedures save life saving, immediately necessary surgeries should be allowed to be preformed on ANY minors. This includes females. No one is trying to minimalize female genital mutilation. I am against all genital cutting.

 I'm sorry if I sound repetitive, but people really seem to need to hear it said a few different ways before they understand.

My Unease About Abuse

I have all of these issues that pop up when I hear about abuse, especially emotional abuse. I get worried really easily that I'm somehow being an abuser accidentally. I suppose I'm worried that I'm so needy and prone to being upset that I'm making the relationship all about myself. I get worried any time someone contrasts it with  a more abusive relationship, because I'm afraid it's downplaying and rationalization. I love my halley so much that I start to feel like every little move is important, and I worry about her. Now, don't get me wrong. This irrationality is not because of my love, rather, my love combined with my general sense of low self esteem. This problem is hard to shake, but I'm getting better.

You see, I can look at all of the wonderful times we have together, and I can see that we giggle and play and be together. We talk about everything, we trust each other, and I can see how safe I make xyr feel. We know each other, on big issues and small, and we get along on so many levels. We We give affection and we always try to be so good to each other. And, of course, we have mindblowing kinky sex, with huge focus on the most important thing: consent.

 And when we do have problems? well, we talk them out. Sometimes, I'm a little reluctant at first, but, again, I'm not perfect and I'm working on this. I'm doing really well, I might add. We communicate. We tell each other how we feel, as openly and honestly as we know how. We usually fill in the form of "I am feeling _______ because __________________________________" and it works. We feel better soon. And, on top of that, most, if not all, of our issues stem from the desire to be good to each other and feeling of failing, or a simple miscommunication (almost always my fault, by the way. [but that doesn't mean I'm bad, or ruining the relaitonship] Halley takes things literally, and I mess with them by adding the connotations of words and silly things.) Problem resolution happens quickly, if I don't lose my head, and then it's back to snuggles and kisses and discussions of the state of the world and how to help the underpriveleged (We have a project coming up!! I'm excited, but more on that later!) and hugs and namics and games and sex and argumentation and writing our blogs together.

So, I guess what I mean to say is that, despite all of this, sometimes, I get scared in the deepest corner of my mind that I'm an accidental abuser. Lately, though, I've been able to get into that corner and show my mind the above mention of how my relationship works. And, however prone I am to feeling uneasy, I know with the most logical parts of me that my relationship with halley is healthy.

Abuse?

This is currently a meditations post. I will reorganize it more logically to make sense at a later date.

I have been abused. I think. Mildly. Emotionally. Physically, only by spanking. My dad is a jerk. But is he an abuser? I think so. I mean, he always made me feel like I wasn't worth it. His time. His effort. He got mad when I couldn't do things right. He taunted me when I failed. He let me chose things only to call my choices stupid.

I used to get to pick where to eat. That was one of the common events. And every time, I managed to pick wrong. He'd tell me I could pick anywhere I wanted, then, as soon as I did "well except there! What kind of idiot would pick there to eat in the first place?!" The same was true of picking out toys when there were different types, such as electronics. I remember wanting a pink and blue handheld CD player when I was maybe 7, and he called me every name in the book, and my choice a ridiculous waste of money, because there was one that would play better quality and hold up better that was plain grey and black. I should've gotten that one.

But so many of those things, he was right about. It was a bad idea to get a CD player for aesthetics. It's more the way he went about it. The red in the face, vein popping yelling he did about these things. I was a child and I wanted pretty things. And that made him so mad. It's not that he told me mcdonalds wasn't a good meal every night, or that I should get something that works rather than something that's pretty, it's that he yelled at me, implicitly called me stupid and an idiot, and that he made me feel like I wasn't worthwhile.

I was spanked. It was pretty hard, but it wasn't common. It was usually for particularly dangerous things, like the time I crossed a road with only a 7 year old when I was 6. It made me feel pretty miserable, but I generally accepted it as a fact of life.

I don't know. I don't think these things are bad enough to count as abuse. They instilled in me a sense of helplessness, and a reluctance to make choices. They made me second guess my every decision in a relationship, and made me feel like one wrong move can change me from just being Brittany to being some total idiot who can't say anything worth listening to.

It's Only Natural- guest post by halley

I'm generally skeptical about things, but some things I actually don't think too much about. I am truly a hippie at heart. I generally think that all things natural are good, if it's a decision that has specific consequences, well, then I make sure. Parenting is one of the ones that I've thought a lot about, but not too much away from my instincts. It makes sense that a natural way of parenting would be good because if it were bad, we may have all died by now. Like if circumcision was really necessary for good health, we would have died out.

I don't know much about the studies involving sleep training or formula feeding. Brittany tries to educate me about how much better breast milk is, but it only seems to go as far that the artificial way causes harm in my brain. I've always thought that setting your baby down would lead to it getting eaten by a saber toothed tiger. Realistically, I'm pretty sure that if my baby is away from me, it will get hurt. I've always hated the idea of putting a baby in a crib. When I heard that cosleeping was dangerous because your baby might suffocate, I was still going to do it because the risk seems less, I now know it to be true that your baby is safer with you then alone, even during sleep.

If there is no logical reason to mess with something natural, then I don't think it's a good idea to do it. As it turns out, many of our "improvements" on the natural way of doing things are downright dangerous to our babies. I don't need to know exactly how bad something is to know that something with no bad things about it is better. The idea that letting a baby cry without doing anything isn't the most awful thing you could do to it feels so wrong. If I was crying, I'd want the person who loved me to help me and if she didn't I wouldn't feel loved. Why on earth would a baby be different?

We ought to instinctively know how to parent because every other species on the planet knows how to parent. No other primate puts it's young in a place away from it, no other primate rips apart it's babies genitals, no other primate cuts the umbilical cord immediately, no other primate has it's young laying on it's back with it's legs up. There is a reason for these things, they just don't feel right, they aren't right and our hormones, subconscious, and thousands of years of genetic programming tell us so.

Don't get the wrong idea, trusting instincts blindly is a bad idea, make sure that doctors haven't came up with something better and everything, but in general, natural is best. Medicine is an exception, vaccines, emergency c-sections. Don't be ignorant of your options by any means, but if something is claiming to be better than the natural way, don't just assume that science must be better. Do look at the evidence, but let your instincts guide you when there is lack of evidence. Putting your baby to your breast is the most instinctive act of motherhood, why would you give your baby anything but what was designed just for it?

Peaceful Parenting And Atheism

I obviously believe in parenting kids with love and attachment and affection. I also definitely don't believe in any gods, and to me, it seems as if peaceful parenting comes as a natural affect of atheism and skepticism in general.


Allow me to explain. If I start with no gods, that means I have no "divinely inspired" books to tell me how to parent. I have to rely on what I can see in the real world. So, when I wonder how the best way to take care of children is, My obvious first thought is that I should be nice to them. I would think that the more they can feel loved and safe, the better things would go for them. Then I wonder what possible exceptions there could be to the simplicity of always giving my kids what they want and need.


Well, if we can't afford a material object, I could have to deny them that. So, I'd explain how we couldn't afford something like that and that we would save up our money for it. If my child wanted to do something dangerous, it is only logical that I would stop them, and explain how it would hurt them, and why they shouldn't do it, as well as physically preventing them from doing the action in the future. If they aren't yet of a mind to understand, simply the physical prevention should suffice. 


The most powerful convincing tool for peaceful parenting is the question "why?" And when you start with the given of loving your child and caring for his/her/xyr well-being, the following things come up.

There's a good answer for why to hold your child. Being held makes the baby feel secure and releases hormones that encourage bonding. 


There's a good answer for why to breastfeed. It's the normal, natural way, and the wonderful things in it cannot be replicated by formula. 


There's not a good answer for the things that fall into the baby training school of parenting. Whether studies say they are harmful or not, why do them in the first place?


Why hit your child? why hit him or her gently? why on his/her/xyr bottom? you shouldn't. There's no reason to assume it's beneficial, and even if it's completely devoid of psychological harm, there is at least physical harm at that moment, and no reason to assume "oh, I should hit my child".


Why amputate a part of your child's penis? again, regardless of if there are no psychological effects, it's a simple violation of human consent to remove any part of your child that can never be replaced.


I could go on and on, giving examples of both, but I'll stop there and simply say that there's a connection between having a logical mind and avoiding behaviors that aren't clearly loving. This silly ideal of tough love is born out of a parental selfishness, as well as biblical and religious support of spanking. Skeptics and atheists should, by all logic, be more a part of the attachment parenting world. Our children want and need us, and it only makes sense we should give them the comforting, safe atmosphere, both physically and psychologically.

Different Worlds- Nina

I was at my Mamaw's today. We don't see her often, because she's an alcohol abuser and fairly emotionally absent, and my mom and dad have never seen much reason to go see her, as she doesn't much care if we're there. However, she is considered by the neighborhood, competent to watch children, and when we showed up today for about 20 minutes, there were 6 children there, running about the house. Two belonged to my uncle Adam (well, one really, and another who has his name on her birth certificate as the father,  but that's not the point.) three to one neighbor, who was there at the time, but shut off in another room, and one to a different neighbor, who'd let her wander out of the house, and all the way in to Mamaw's house. Anyway, talking to one particular girl, I had this conversation.


Me: Hi, those are neat princess cards you're playing with
Nina: Yeah, I like them. What's your name?
Me: My name is Brittany. What's yours?
Nina: I'm Nina, but my mom calls me Sissy.
Me: That's really cool. My mom calls me sissy too.
Nina: Oh! You have a mom too! Cool!


It's so common in this child's world that someone is abandoned by their parents, that I didn't even have to say "my mom calls me sissy too" to have a common experience to bond about. All I had to say was "I have a mom too" Andrea helpfully chimed in "everyone has a mommy. They just don't always live with you" What she meant was that they abandon you. Not that you live with your dad in a divorce or anything like that. It essentially happened to her too. Her mother moved away and left my Mamaw to watch them. She pays lip service to loving her children, but doesn't see them often at all. I was in a room full of children who considered it an oddity to have two loving parents who actually paid attention to you, and I was at a loss for words. 

Halleyland

In halleyland it's warm.
In halleyland it's safe.
In halleyland A is A.
In halleyland there is love.
In halleyland I feel at home.
In halleyland everyone is good.
In halleyland I understand most things.
In halleyland there is no guilt.
In halleyland there is no irrational fear.
In halleyland there is little stress.
In halleyland there's no conformity or anti-conformity
In halleyland there's nothing wrong with me.
In halleyland there's tolerance.
In halleyland the world is simple.
In halleyland there are no stupid social rules.
In halleyland being nice is how to be nice.
In halleyland we help people, regardless.
In halleyland there is laughter.
In halleyland there is compassion.
In halleyland things just feel right.
In halleyland the silly little things don't matter.
In halleyland there is communication.

In the world it can be cold and lonely.
In the world it's so unsafe.
In the world A is not A.
In the world there is guilt.
In the world there is war.
In the world there is cruelty.
In the world there is much too much seriousness.
In the world the little things are everything
In the world there are rules to go through to say anything
In the world there is intolerance.
In the world there is blind faith
In the world I feel lost and far away
In the world communication is impossible.

My Diary

I kept a diary for a long time in my life. Now that's essentially been replaced by my blog, since my parents cannot find my blog and punish me for it anymore (well, very soon they can't, and I figured a month of hell was worth the cool new outlet for my feelings.) But I kept the first one starting in 6th grade. I call it my "book of lies" (like the bible!) because it's full of me lying to myself as I lied to my friends about my own sexual orientation. But my next one was totally, 100% unflinchingly honest with myself. I kept this was beginning in April of 2009, right up through december 2009, and then a few times scattered through the next year, almost skipping an entire year. This cataloged my time through the first time I had sex and a few other interesting times. Either way, it showed what a real baby I am inside, to myself. I never, ever, ever thought I'd let anyone read it. Least of all halley, because I was so embarrassed by the way I think.

So, naturally, yesterday, halley sat on my hips and read me my own diary. Completely adoringly, as if I shouldn't be ashamed of anything in it. Of how childish I sound or of how silly my concerns were. And I shouldn't. I know better now than I did then that my halley will never find some part of me that means we just can't be together. those were honestly my deepest thoughts and the only thing I had left to be embarrassed if xe saw. So, I feel a little better about our relationship now. I have proof, that, seeing every bit of me, halley is never going to find me not good enough for xyr.

I know it took a long time for me to realize. I practically had to be beaten over the head by the fact that my halley loves me. No matter what. And I love xyr too. On my deepest level, I love her. And xe read that in my diary. I feel happy. Like I have somehow proven to myself that we will work. And, with all the communication skills and loving, soft, exciting touching to back it up, I feel happy

DO NOT WATCH- The Change Up

Remember when I said we walked out on a movie? well, it was called The Change Up, and if you're a peaceful parent, or support peaceful parenting, but aren't a parent yet, do NOT give this movie your money to see. Hell, if you just believe in not neglecting children, you should NOT give this movie your money. We walked out on it within the first 15 minutes of movie time for many, many horrible parenting decisions being portrayed as okay. It didn't seem to be about an awful father who changed to be better, so I seriously doubt it did anything but get way worse after we left. Anyway, the following is a list of instances of bad parenting I saw in just a few minutes of this movie, along with why its not okay.

Here's a picture of a baby being breastfed so you all remember that good parents still exist

Seperate Sleeping

Even if you don't sleep with your baby in the bed for SIDS concerns or other reasons, you should sleep in the same room, because common sense dictates that, in an emergency, you can get to your baby more quickly. If there is a fire, it can be lifesaving not to have to run across the house to get to your baby, especially if the fire starts between you and the baby. In the event of a kidnapping, it's going to be easy enough to get to your baby before you can if there's an entrance to the house from outside  between the two of you. But this couple was portrayed sleeping in a far away room.

Delayed Crying Response

In the movie, screams come through the baby monitor in the opening scene. No one does anything for a good 10 seconds, then the woman in the couple tells the man it's his turn, they sit there for at least a minute with the guy groaning and upset he has to get up so early. Finally, he leaves his room for the walk to his kids, but once he gets there, he stares at the kid for a few seconds first and says something I don't really remember, but finally picks her up.

Circumcision

During a diaper change meant to be humerous, we get a brief glimpse of his baby boy's penis, which appeared to have the divide you do not see in whole infants. I'm not entirely sure that I saw this, so I won't focus too long on it. But, yeah, circumcsion is harmful and violates basic human consent.

Ignoring Indicators of Mental Difference

In the movie, the man's son was portrayed banging his head off the bars of his crib, rather hard, and ignoring the pain. Although neurotypical children with occasionally relatively gently bounce their heads off of things, head banging with the force and seeming lack of realization of pain depicted here, this indicates a mental difference such as autism, which needs attention to control the negative symptoms for the child. This went unnoticed by the father except for an exasperated comment that "I thought we'd talked about this, buddy". If a child does this, he needs to see a doctor promptly to diagnose these things.

Allowing the Head Banging Itself

I don't know if you've heard, but babies heads are sensitive. Babies get concussions more easily than older people. And head banging in the context shown could've caused serious damage, but the father didn't interfere. Any child hitting his/her/xyr head this hard needs to be stopped immediately and given some other task to focus on before he/she/xe gets a serious brain injury. Also, the pain itself will be bad when the child comes back to be mentally able to focus on it.

Formula Feeding

I've mentioned before some of the many reasons formula is bad for babies, and I'll give brief mention again of the increased incidence of colic, diarhea, ear infections, allergies, upper respiratory infections, and childhood cancer, and of the decreased reporting of a strong parental bond during teenage years, and, only anecdotally, a general sense of unease for the baby. Bottom line, don't formula feed.

Improper Bottle Feeding

Bottle feeding isn't best for baby, but if it's being done (and bottle feeding can be breastmilk feeding, which is acceptable, morally) wrong, it can cause even more problems. The father in this movie was feeding his twins without the proper angle of the bottle. He was holding the bottles at such an angle that the air was meeting the nipple. This is never supposed to be done, as it causes a baby to swallow the air and will give them tummy aches.

Sleep Training

Sleep trianing was not shown, but the father alluded to the idea that he would do it. Sleep training, for those who don't know, is like "cry it out" methods of teaching, which allow the baby to cry without responding. When babies stop crying due to sleep training, their bodies are responding as if they have been abandoned. It wastes energy to cry, and a baby's hormones tell it that something is seriously wrong because someone hasn't responded to it, so, they must conserve energy before they starve to death. This is a horrible way to treat a human, especially a baby. Babies cry when they need something. No more. And you can never, ever spoil a baby.

I didn't think I could stomach the rest of the movie without wanting to kill someone, and neither did halley, so we left, but I'm sure there were more bad things throughout the movie. So, please, peaceful parents of this world, boycott this movie.

The Consequences of Sex

Everyone hears all the bullshit in health class about self esteem, blah blah blah, if you have sex, you will get pregnant and die. But I don't think anyone's ever really considered what my sex drive did on friday as a consequence.
I went with halley to the movies, and long story short, we leave within ten minutes, but that's its own post, and after that, we sat outside at a dairy queen nearby, talking and having fun in general, and then making out. Well, once xe'd made out with me, all I wanted was sex, and I wanted it so bad, I would have it on the levvy, so I begged xyr to please come over and do something on the other side.

There was a problem, though. The way the hill curves, combined with the angle of the light behind it made the other side of the levvy look eerily dark, and we weren't sure how it did it. But halley's tendency to be curious and investigate scientifically lead to the discovery that it was all mathmatic, and the best thing was, once we got over there, even if someone was on top of the hill, looking down, they would have no way of seeing us or what we were doing. So, we went a little down the hill, and from that angle, we could see clearly how nothing was eerie. For a few minutes.

Then, in the middle of something, xe looked up and thought there might've been a human figure by this building that helps keep the town from flooding on the other end of the hill. We shook it off, but then heard voices, but no one was around. My mind was falling prey to the terrified and idea that this was fucking dangerous and maybe there was something supernatural going on, because that's how it happens in the movies. Yeah, not one of my prouder moments as an atheist. But, anyway, we ceased what we were doing and looked around to attempt to locate the voices, and I was sure I'd heard a child's voice. While looking around, with knowledge of the surrounding area, we saw a shadowwy, essentially blockish figure near the building that didn't belong. We kept our eyes on it for a while and I wanted to run for the light, but halley said that we should stay where we are, so if there was anything around, it couldn't see us.

Then, the blockish figure lit up and two people drove away on it, it having been a four wheeler. I was flooded with relief first, but then the strange voices returned and we also saw a weird shadow in the other direction. We decided we needed to crawl in the direction of the building and loop around it, because that way we'd never be walking towards the top of a hill, exactly. So, we crawled through soaking wet grass and mud, and swarms of mosquitos, geting cut and bitten, and halley's wrist got broken (which xe set and fixed and is better now.)

And those, kids; sheer terror, mosquito bites, grass stains, and mud, are the negative consequences of your sex drive.

My Dad and Me

This. This is what I feel like, every time I talk to my dad.

I don't know how I feel about my dad. Sometimes, I want to kill him, because he bothers me so much. We don't get along. I'm a liberal, he's a conservative. He's republican, I'm democrat. He's some weird brand of religious, I'm a strong atheist. He likes physical labor, I don't. He likes sports, I like video games. So how the fuck do we stomach living in the same house? Well, sometimes we don't, but when we do, it's got a hell of a lot to do with laughter.


You see, we get along by never, ever talking about anything remotely political. As soon as we do, we end up fighting the night away. All we can do is laugh together, and try not to take ourselves too seriously. It doesn't always work, and I wind up wanting to kill him sometimes, but then we quit talking about that and just tell jokes. And somehow, it all sort of works out. What am I trying to say here? I guess just that it doesn't matter who you are, you're going to run into people who believe stupid things, and, after trying logic to convince them, are going to have to give up and live with it.

Little Pink Book 2

Dad

My daughter is hard to look through. I don't love her; God knows I wouldn't after what she did, but her face, her face loos like that of the daughter I used to have. Do I know I'm right in doing this? Yeah. Do I understand that my baby is gone? Yes. Do I want her back, the way she was before? of course. Is it hard to remember that she's not my little girl anymore? Hell yes. My dad, he'd have beaten me senseless if I'd done what she has. He bounced my head off counters for lesser things, but I wouldn't have hurt my little girl like that. I guess maybe my dad did it right... Look how I turned out, and look how she did. But it's too late for her now. I look at her and wonder how she could do this too me when I've been so good to her. I worked so hard, I never hurt her, and when she tole me how awful she was, I hit the wall instead. She's lucky, I guess, maybe unlucky, living her life in a quest for "acceptance". A good beating is what she needs, but at 18, away at college, it's a lot of effort and a lot of legal trouble to assault a college student. Not to mention a "hate crime". As opposed to those crimes motivated by love. 

Damn whiny liberals.

Little Pink Book 1

Prologue

Sometimes, I miss you already. Sometimes, daddy, I cry for you. I cry because you're not going to love me, because you look right through me, because I'll never hear you speak to me again, because the look on your face in the pictures when I was born said I was the greatest thing- and now it's gone, because it was that easy for you to drop your only daughter. Because I've loved you my entire life, and I don't know how not to. And, Dad, sometimes, I can't wait to be completely rid of you, you racist, sexist, and most importantly homophobic douchebag. Sometimes, I'm just pissed off. I'm 18 and I can understand that things that are wrong actually hurt people. And you can't figure that out in 38 years? 

Fuck you.

Little Pink Book Intro

Okay, so a little while back while stuff was still pretty damn bad with my parents and all of that, I started writing in a little pink notebook. I wrote how I felt and I tried to place myself in the shoes of my mom, my dad, and my brother. I don't know how well it worked, but I made short, easy little entries pretty often. It was set somewhere a little more than a year in the future, and it really helped me humanize my parents when it seemed they were nothing more than obstacles to my happiness.

 I thought it'd make a nice little series of blog posts, so, I asked My halley about it, and xe said it could be a good idea. (I'm always very indecisive, so I wasn't sure how readable it would be. So, Anyway, now and again, I'll do an entry titled "Little Pink Book" and then a number, with the same graphic pictured above, and that'll be another piece of the book that is my take on how everyone feels.

An Amazing Moment

Tuesday, we took Joey to the aquarium. He's been talking a lot about sharks lately, and was very excited when told the possibility of seeing a real, live shark existed. And he loved it, he had fun, and it was awesome. At this particular aquarium, they have a tank full of gentle pajama sharks that they let you pet. Joey loved this and so did I, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.

I'm here to talk about a little boy who reached his whole arm in the water. A person I'm guessing is his dad was holding him up, and he couldn't have been more than two. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, and was tiny. I smiled at him, and as I watched a shark go by, he touched it. Then, this amazing look of unadulterated joy came across his face. It was the kind of  look that doesn't happen much. I don't know that child. I don't know what he will grow up to be. I don't know whether he will believe in a god, whether he will fall in love, get married, have babies and treat them right. I don't know whether he will be president. I don't know what his parents believe, how they treat him, if they circumcised him. But in essence, through that moment, I know this child. I participated in a moment in his life that everyone ought to have a few more of, and it was beautiful.

Things like this moment make me aware of just how wonderful the world really is, and, when it seems so awful, I can just think of this little boy, all his dreams seeming fulfilled because he got to pet a shark.

A Small Victory

The high school I went to, as I've mentioned before, shrugged off Church/State violations like they weren't a problem. Every veteran's day assembly had prayer involved, and I had to attend graduation for 6 years to play pomp & circumstance with the band; every year this started with a prayer. No one cared enough to report it and I kept quiet. During the earlier years, because I was totally apathetic to religion, and a little later, because I didn't think I had the resources to fight it, especially when it seemed 99% of the school wanted the prayer, and the other 1% seemed apathetic.

But, during senior year, sick of hearing a prayer at every assembly our school had, at national honor society inductions, I had halley record the prayer on her phone. You could barely make it out, but it gave me the momentum I needed to contact the Freedom From Religion Foundation They were incredibly helpful. I filled in their church/state violation form, and was contacted the next day. I gave them a little more information; nothing I didn't know. They wanted to know if a student gave the prayer and if I could give them stronger evidence it was pre-planned. This evidence wasn't necessary, but they said it could help. I let them know it was rehearsed the previous day in front of the principal and sent them a copy of the pamphlet that listed "opening prayer", along with the recording. They didn't actually wind up using the recording  (or needing it) because it was so fuzzy.

Within two weeks, they sent me back a copy of the email that they'd sent to my superintendent and principal, and in less than another week, they sent me my school's reply. Thankfully, they were cooperative. They agreed not to plan a graduation NHS prayer again. And, on my high school graduation day, a student gave a prayer, in private, in his capacity as a student, without the condonemnent of my high school, or the captive audience of everyone attending the graduation. And halley and I walked away from it. I was thrilled, because my school didn't sponsor prayer.

The Freedom From Religion Foundation does some amazing things, so, everyone who can should support them in general.

About Sexualized Breasts

I am against the sexualization of breasts. They are not sex organs. They are there to feed babies, and they should be used that way. No one should ever make a woman cover up her breasts because they are sexual. But I love the feelings associated with mine, and I like them to be stimulated during sex. And I want to make it abundantly clear that "not innately sexual" and "morally wrong to utilize for sex" are two entirely different things. So everyone knows, you should feel free to use any part of your body during sex if it feels good. This includes your breasts.

So, what I mean by wanting breasts to be desexualized is that I want us to treat them like lips, or hands, or necks. The sight of them should not call to mind sex. Just like lips, they can be used in a sexual way, and you can always feel free to love the sensation, but also like lips, they should be able to be shown to the public without someone freaking out because you're showing your sexual organs to the world. That's one of the goals I feel is very important. I think this way because as long as breasts are presented as sexual organs, it's going to be hard for mothers to feel comfortable feeding their children in public. And the more breastfed children, the better. If we reverse the sexualization of breasts, we can also prevent people from bottlefeeding based on the idea that it'd be like pedophilia.

I guess that's all I mean. Every time you use your breasts in a sexual context, you are NOT promoting the sexualization of breasts. Every time you ask a breastfeeding mother to cover up, you are. Every time you look at a woman's breasts and feel some sexual feeling, you are NOT promoting the sexualization of breasts. Every time you say it's wrong for a woman to go topless in public, you are. Any questions? If so, ask me!

Your Sexual Self Is You

I am naturally shy. Very, very shy, in fact. And last night, I bought a vibrator at walmart. It was hard for me to get over the potential embarrassment. But thinking of what this means about my causes is helpful to me. See, I care a lot about the things I believe in. I am the sort of person who cannot just ignore a principle for practicality unless there are some very, very serious consequences. So, when I wanted to buy a sex toy, all I had to do to stop being nervous was breathe and say to myself "I am a sex-positive feminist. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. I am a sex-positive feminist" and repeat. Then, I was able to smile at the lady behind the cash register and buy it.

There seems to be this idea in the media that sex isn't a part of a person, that if you have sex, or even enjoy masturbation,  you're somehow not a person with idiosyncracies other than sexual, or else that your sexual self is entirely seperate from the rest of you. It's not. Everyone can just relax about sex because it's a part of you, maybe a smaller part, maybe a bigger one, but no matter what, you don't become not you anymore when you're feeling sexual or when you have sex or whatever. These are all on the level of your other characteristics.

Take me for example, I love some wonderful oral sex, I masturbate in the middle of the night, and sometimes in public bathrooms to calm myself down. I also love to play harvest moon and zelda and like children's songs and phantom of the opera. These are all parts of me. Maybe they're not exceedingly relevant at certain times, but they're all, always a part of me.

I'm having a little trouble trying to figure out exactly what I'm trying to say. I guess what I mean is that you shouldn't feel like sex dehumanizes you. It's not like that. It's just one more part of the beautiful picture that is you.

Religion and Sexuality

This article will also be published on generation atheist so go check it out if you happen to read my blog, but not it.

I've grown up in an area with a church on every corner. This is not much of an exaggeration. There are two churches within ten minutes walking distance from where I'm sitting, and four within 20. I live in a place where church/state violations are brushed of as silly and people roll their eyes when asked to include religions other than christianity, and find it unthinkable to not believe in a god. a vast, vast majority of people around here are christian. My high school had between 400 and 500 people in it, and the number of (out) atheists was at 7, at the highest, while I was there. Most people attended a church every week, at least. 

 Luckily for me, somehow, my parents don't happen to be very religious. My mom is something of an agnostic, but went with the label "christian" for a long time, because she'd gone to church as a kid, and she didn't utilize her own mind very much until a few years ago, preferring to let my dad decide these things. My dad grew up in an abusive home, and tried to get religion to save him from it around age 15, and since, even though he's not gone to church or read the bible, has been a weird sort of religious that seems to mean he thinks that there's a god who wants you to worship him and believes a few randomized passages in the bible. I'm not really sure why someone with such an insanely cherry-picked religion that seems totally unique to him would feel he could criticize others, but he somehow finds a lack of religion laughable.

Enter- My homosexuality, and screw with all of my family relationships. I didn't come out until about a year after my parents decided they found out. It's all a little difficult to explain, but my dad heard rumors that I was gay, and kissed my girlfriend at school, then, I gave xem a goodbye kiss on xyr forehead one day, and he decided that he knew enough to guess that, yes, I am a lesbian, and I should never be allowed to talk to my girlfriend.

The only reason I could ever get out of him was that god said homosexuality was bad. This utterly insane man had somehow chosen the verse about stoning homosexuals to believe, out of all of them. He called me disgusting, and told me I was going to hell. He told me I wasn't his daughter anymore. And the only reason I could get out of him was religion. My mom just cried and said she loved me, but she wanted me to change so god would love me. I was so confused at the time. How was this random Leviticus verse the one that would send me to hell when none of us kept the sabbath holy, attended church, prayed before dinner, or even learned about the bible? But, religion around here seems to be all about intolerance.

So, my parents' reaction to my homosexuality was because of religion. My friends? Actually, most of them didn't care. That's why they were my friends. But my pool of potential friends pretty much evaporated at school. I lived a dangerous double life that, in hindsight, seems crazy to have attempted, but, I digress, the point is, at school, I was an out, proud, lesbian, and that people knew this made them look at me with disgust. No one wanted me as their teacher-picked partner for assignments, and it was hilarious to point at me and say "that's the lesbian" When halley (my girlfriend) was holding hands and walking with me, asking explicit questions about out (then nonexistent) sex-life was okay. Teachers looked the other way for the most part, because really, we deserved it for defying god this way. It seemed every way I turned, someone hated me for loving xem because their sky dad said so.

This caused a little shame, but luckily, most of the time, I just felt depressed that everyone seemed to hate me without actually thinking about it. But I did feel a little shame. I tended to laugh it off. And I labeled myself a "bad girl" because I wasn't listening to my parents for the first time in my life, and, even though I didn't believe in god, it was still something I was doing that was yicky, according to most people I knew. I thought maybe something was wrong with me, and I was terrified that there was some premise I was missing that made their logic make sense without god involved, and I lived in fear of debates, because what if they proved that it was bad? would I stop loving xem? could I stop loving xem?

But what ultimately saved me was my halley and my friends. They reminded me that loving hurts no one, even if imaginary sky dad says it does. I have one conversation I'd like to share with everyone reading, paraphrased to the best of my memory between me and a friend on facebook chat. We'll call him Jeremy. He's the kind of guy who is always joking about everything, so one night, as I was telling him I watched the spanish channel on cable at four in the morning and it was utterly bizarre, the conversation went little like this

Jeremy: well, there's basically porn on HBO at four a.m.
Me: lol. okay
Jeremy: yeah, so now you can watch all the naked girlies you want, and no one will know.
Me: haha. I'm too much of a sweet innocent little girl for that.
Jeremy: ... yeah, I'm sure you are. lol.
Me: well, it's not like I haven't thought about it. But sometimes, I forget I'm not a good girl anymore. haha. It's like I was for so long, I don't remember that that changed.
Jeremy: Brittany, you are good. You are sweet and kind and you loving a girl doesn't affect this. Anyone who wants to tell you otherwise is just a narrow-minded fuckhead who is jealous that you have someone who loves you.
Me: I think that's the sweetest think anyone's ever said to me. I didn't know you could get that serious.

And it continued. But that reminded me, without this nonsense god stuff, sexual orientation of any sort is okay, and it doesn't affect how good or kind you can be, so no one experiencing this should be ashamed.

An all-knowing, all-powerful, all loving deity and evil

Is a god reconcilable with evil? In order to understand if a god is compatible with evil, we must first define which god we mean, and what its attributes are. In this essay, we will disprove a god who is omnipotent, omniscient and omni benevolent, such as Christians will often claim their god is. A god who is not defined by these criteria, is obviously not disproven by the existence of evil, and will not be addressed.

It is easy to understand that there is evil in the world. In this world, we've seen flooding destroy crops and houses, we've seen infertility hurt those who long to be parents, we've seen good people be killed by drunk drivers, we've seen soldiers killed defending their respective countries, we've seen the deaths of hundreds of innocent people on 9/11, we've seen, recently, an earthquake and tsunami ravage Japan, destroying nuclear facilities that leave even survivors at high risk of contracting deadly diseases from exposure to fallout, and, closer to home, in every community, we've seen children raped and beaten by the people who are supposed to love them most. If there was a loving god,goddess, or genderless deity he/she/xe would simply fix these things, unless of course, he didn't have the power. But, that would disprove an omnipotent god. What if, perhaps, this god was unwilling to fix them? That would disprove him or her by the malice that he or she should lack by basic definition. Is he/she/xe unaware that these awful things are occurring? Again, this excludes such a deity from existing, based on his lack of omniscience, which is one of the central defining characteristics of this being.

(for length purposes, and because commonly, these deities are male in the mythology, we will use "god" and masculine pronouns from here on out)

One of the most commonly heard answers for how this evil came to be and is allowed to exist is the complication of free will. The story goes that the perfect christian god wanted humans to have free will, but as we are not perfect, like this god, we (referring to humans in general) used it to create evil. It seems to make sense as an excuse upon early examination. But it is not as simple as that. There are several problems with this defense.

First of all, if this god was truly all powerful, why would he create us with the capacity to hurt one another? Why wouldn’t he create us perfect, like him, so we did not have to hurt? If we act as if we have misused our free will, we forget to address the idea of why we have the will to choose evil in the first place. A god who loves us would simply avoid giving us the will to do evil. It makes no sense for god to purposefully create beings with flaws. We run into the same problems as we do with the argument before free will is added. Creating the capacity and the desire to do evil should be judged on the same terms that creating evil itself. If god did not intend to, he made a mistake and cannot be omnipotent, if he purposefully created this desire, he is malevolent, and if he was unaware, he cannot be truly all knowing.

Many will try to refute this, saying that their god had to create the capacity and desire to do evil in order to give us true free will, and without true free will, we could never be happy, but if this god was real, and all powerful, he is the one who made the previous statement true. The free will dilemma plays on our emotions as well, appealing specifically to fear. We all hate the idea of having no choice at all, so we think of this removal of free will as something terrifying and horrible in itself. But, our fear of lack of free will proves nothing. Lack of free will does not indicate suffering, and therefore does not indicate evil. In itself, lack of free will harms no one and it is only our desire to be free that makes this bad, and, again, with an all powerful god, our desire to have free will could have not been created, making us happy with our lack thereof free will. If we claim that free will simply cannot be true without the choice for evil, we leave the definition of true free will outside of god’s power. A god that is good would not knowingly make something that caused all sorts of horrible suffering the only way to true happiness, and a powerful god wouldn’t be powerless to change the definition of true happiness.

A second problem with the free will argument is that many evil things are not controllable by humans. Drought, flooding, tornados, tsunamis and other natural disasters fall into this category. These things, despite being unable to attribute to free will, cause death, destruction and heartache. The recent earthquake in Japan is a strong example of this. No human causes could be said to have created this earthquake; so obviously, free will had nothing to do with this destruction. Did god make them happen, if so, how can he still be all loving? Obviously the answer is that he can not.

Attempts are made to explain evil as deserved, or a natural consequence of defying the perfect god, because it was all part of this perfect being's plan. This works okay for fornicators who, now married cannot conceive and for those who do not worship a god and have lost their money or power. But it is inconceivable that a loving god is punishing the 6 year old who prays to him every night to make her daddy stop raping her, or the teenage boy who gets beaten every day, and beaten more often if he cries about it, who goes to church and thanks his god that his parents haven't killed him yet, or even the god fearing, churchgoing woman who prayed for a baby and conceived, but her child died before he had a chance to be born. If evil was a punishment for our own misdeeds, we would see only bad people hurt. We would see no one who follows god be harmed and everyone who does not listen live an entirely miserable life. This is in stark contrast with what we see happening in reality. The randomized application of painful circumstance is irreconcilable with a perfect plan. No god who would willingly inflict such an awful life on people who have done everything he asked of them can be considered truly loving.

Satan: he is one of the easiest excuses people have used. Satan created evil. He is the one who instilled this bloodlust, sadism and vengeance into human kind. Their god can obviously not be blamed for something that he didn't do. So, we can all blame Satan and rejoice in god to help keep ourselves from going astray. Luckily, even if we succumb to the desires that Satan, god is willing to forgive us. This sounds wonderful so far, but as with the other excuses the religious have for still believing, this falls apart under even the slightest scrutiny. We must question why this god made Satan and why he continues to allow Satan to exist when he only causes pain. Is it that he can’t bear to delete him from existence? Why would a god who decided to torture everyone who did not follow him correctly for all of eternity have an issue with ridding the world of the ultimate evil and make suffering disappear. We come around to the willing able and aware dilemma again. Did god intentionally make this thing knowing he was going to create evil? He is malevolent. Was he unaware of what he was doing? He is not omnipotent. Or did he somehow find himself unable to avoid creating him? He is not all-powerful, so this explanation, as the others, falls apart.

Another common response is that without evil, we could not know what good is. This concept is patently ridiculous. Humans do not need to experience pain to know that it exists, or that pleasure is good. Think of it this way: Can people, without having experienced an abusive relationship, know that a loving, respectful, emotionally supportive relationship is good? Most of them, myself included, can understand this perfectly. We can all recognize good and pleasure without experiencing pain. Also, even if we could not recognize good without it. We are limiting god’s power if we assume he can not change this about us. And if he will not change this about us, that makes him evil. Even if we take for granted this is true, and that god for some reason made it so, it is still possible to understand the concept of evil without seeing it occur, that is to say that we need only be able to conceptualize evil and we can do that without it’s existence in the real world. The all powerful creator could have given us the idea of evil without its existence, through stories, or simply our capacity for imagination. To say that god could not let us conceptualize evil without seeing it is to again, limit his power. 

Once we acknowledge that god is responsible for the things we call evil, many theists will attempt to explain this away by saying that there is no such thing as evil, or good for that matter. They say that it’s “limiting” to define things this way. So, when we see evil, it’s really good but we don’t realize it. There is a point to this argument. No, all things cannot be blindly attributed to black and white categories, all good and all evil. But there are things we call evil. The most meaningful definition of evil given by dictionary.com is “characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering” and we can see that misfortune and suffering exist. Taking away the power of the word “evil” or showing that good and evil have blurry lines and things that appear good can be evil and that seem evil can be good does not disprove the existence of evil. All that this does is prove that definitions of words are subjective and the world is complicated. This does not address the fact that, if there is a god, he is responsible, directly, or through negligence, for every bit of suffering, physical or emotional, that any being has experienced thus far. He has refused to use his power to prevent this evil from happening. Subjective definitions of evil aside, god allows pain and suffering on this planet, else he doesn't exist.

If it is not that evil is not real, we often hear theists resort to the claim that god can be unwilling to prevent evil, but also not malevolent. He is letting us learn from experience, like parents that would let their child try to do something beyond their skill level and allow them to fail. There are a few different problems with this comparison, though.

The first is that god, unlike a father or mother on earth, supposedly has power to do anything and this includes impart to us the knowledge of what will happen when we do things without making us experience the horrible things. This excuse also has the same problems as with evil being a deserved punishment. It seems like it may make sense for those who choose to do horrible things, and god makes them suffer the consequences. A murderer being jailed, for instance, or more directly, the man who participated in cock fighting, tied razor blades to his chicken and wound up dead from a slit throat. But what did that six month old do wrong, that she had to die from SIDS in her crib. How does the notion that god was just letting her “see the consequences” of her actions go?

Another problem is that more painful evil can not be compared to something as petty as a failed art project or attempt to cross the monkey bars. These are things like the holocaust; people being tortured, day in day out for their entire lives, people being worked and then beaten to death, children being locked in closets to starve and only let out to be hurt, babies being nearly drowned to be supposedly scared into listening to their parents. This sort of cruelty is on a whole different level than letting one’s children try something they aren’t ready to try. If a god would let this go on, it is inexcusable. This sort of thing can not be brushed away with the notion of letting people see what happens to them when they do not use their free will as they were told to.

Despite any attempts to explain this dilemma away, it will always be present that if god could change these things, but won’t, it is cruelty, if he can’t change them, but wants too, he is limited in power, and if he is completely unaware then he cannot be all knowing. Any additions made to this simple statement just create another thing that this god could have changed but didn’t, or something that this god wanted to change but couldn’t , or something of which this god was simply unaware. All of this disproves, by definition, a being many define as their god.

The Stories Bodies Tell Us

This is a parallel of my wonderful Halley's post.

My fourth toe on my left foot is crooked, because I come from a family where this is normal, the one on my right foot is straight because, around age 8, I tripped over a toy and broke it straight.

My toenails have a little chipped yellow polish on them; I like to have fun with "girly" things, and then don't care enough to upkeep them.

My legs aren't shaved, because I don't much care to shave them.

My calves are muscular, mostly from holding so much weight off the ground, but they also tell the story of marching band, something that was fun that I used to fill up the space in my life around my halley when I couldn't talk to her before.

My vulva, generally isn't messed with, because I like the way it naturally is most times. When it has been shaved, it shows I'm ready for some oral sex, actually

My genitals, overall, are intact and not pierced, showing I come from a culture where female genital mutilation is not allowed by law, and that I don't want to modify my body on my own terms much.

My tummy is big, with stretch marks all over. They're purple and red and run deep. I don't mind them, and my halley says they're there for ayees to feel and I like that. I like how it's not all smooth and there are little valleys to feel.

My chest is uneven, and I have a little freckle type spot on the bottom of my left areola that makes me happy. I like how none of it is symmetrical.

I have long fingers just like my daddy, and a freckle that I use to tell my left from right that's right on the web of skin attached to the thumb of my left hand.

My left eye has a pupil that's shaped like pac-man. It doesn't affect my vision, except through a microscope. When looking into one, I have that pie-slice cutout in my vision. (must be something about how microscopes work)

My hair has recently been cut to a little over my shoulders. I like it this way because I feel more androgynous.

I am special. And I am the only one with a body that tells all of these stories.

Where to Start?

I love harvest moon games. The first one I got was A wonderful life, for the game-cube, and I've expanded my collection since then, to have played at least until marriage in quite a few of them. Now, these are cutesy games. There's no fighting and no violence. It's a peaceful, maintenance type game where you take care of a farm. You buy animals, water crops, build friendships, and, mostly in some of the newer games, you can fish and mine to add to your farming or ranching income. So, this game isn't for everyone, but I love simplistic relationship building, and watching things slowly upgrade after in-game years worth of work. (Just to be clear, nothing I say below is to demonize Natsume, Nintendo, or anyone else involved in the creation, nor is it a dislike of the game overall. I like this game, and gender and sexuality issues aside, if you're the type to like nonviolent cutesy stuff, you should totally try out these games.)


But recently, I've been upset by the utter lack of possibility for any same sex relationships and cross-dressing. The specific to gender clothing makes me even more upset because in the instruction manual for animal parade, under the section explaining differences in playing as a boy or a girl, in an attempt to be funny, there is a statement that the main differences are clothing followed by "(duh...)" This bothers me actually a lot more than the lack of ability for clothing thought to be specific of one gender. The fact that it is considered such an obvious thing that it would be unthinkable to cross-dress makes me feel like crying. And the same sex marriage, because I like being a girl. I like it a lot. But I also don't like to marry the guys on these games. No, I'm not sexually attracted to harvest moon characters, but I just plain like the feminine ones better. They're cuter, I like them more, and most importantly, I don't see why it shouldn't be a possibility to build romantic relationships with same sex characters. So what am I to do? Well, my compromise is to play choosing a guy, and suspend my gender identity for a little bit. It's not that hard. But that's not what I want to do.


So what am I to do about it? I could write the company. It's been done. Apparently, our american gaming rating system would take the rating up to T or maybe even M if they were in a bad mood. So, there goes half of their fan base. So, what? Do I talk to the ratings company? I bet they do nothing if I do. Besides, they'll say they just try to reflect the ideals of parents. It's this, this little stuff right here, that makes me so upset about discrimination. 


Yes, it makes my blood boil to hear about kids bullied to death over their sexual orientation. But those are the sorts of things that are (ever so slowly) disappearing, and being condemned by mainstream media and parents. It's the things like childhood exposure to gay love (not sex, or anything sexual, mind you, hand holding and the statement of love's existence) not being okay, or the idea of a guy wearing a dress being laughably insane that make me want to curl up and cry.


It's because I don't know where to start with this. What do you do to change an entertainment form based on cultural support based on an entertainment form? It's so circular that I feel helpless to stop it. But, I guess I'm not the only one who wants these things to change. And cultural acceptance in general seems to be the way to go. So, I guess for now, I'll make you love me and put a friendly face on homosexuality, and try to help gender-queer, inter-sex, and transgender movements do the same. And that, along with identifying as a male long enough to play harvest moon, will have to do for now.
     

Hypothetical

Okay, so there's this guy without any toes. He's happy. He loves himself and his life, and even though he has a harder time balancing than the guy next to him, it's not a big deal, because he's never known what it was like to have toes. His parents had them removed when he was just a newborn. Now, this was excruciatingly painful for him, but he doesn't remember it, so he doesn't really think about it and he doesn't really care. He has a son, and he wants his son's toes cut off. Toes are hard to clean between, you know? And whatever balance problems exist, the man figures if he's totally happy with his balance, why should his son care? Besides, removing them has some other health benefits too, such as later in life, a toe could get a hair or small string caught around it and have serious problems; This happens to at least a few babies a year (both hypothetically and in real life). And feet have a lot  more surface area with toes attached, which means they make more sweat, and that's really just gross.

Is it okay for him to have his son's toes removed? Chances are, you'll say no.

Now, imagine this guy lives on another planet, and on this planet, this toe removal happens to most children in the world at birth. In fact, they refer to those who haven't had it done as "non-de-toed", and kids with toes are sure to be made fun of in the locker room.

Does this change anything? Chances are, you'll say no.

Now, go back through and replace toes with foreskin, harder time balancing with decreased penis sensitivity and sexual enjoyment, toes are hard to clean between with an intact penis is hard to clean, the string or hair around toes with the zipper issues, greater sweat production with smegma, the other planet with america "non-de-toed" with "uncircumcised", and kids with toes to boys with foreskins

Fucking

Well, guys, it's time we talk even more about sex! My halley has a wonderful post up over on her blog. And I could never hope to equal it, but I do want to tell you how it feels to have such purely animalistic sex, just like she did.

See, I lose track of me and her. I lose track of my actions and her responses. There's so much pleasure and so much pain that I can't tell if I want it to stop, and even if a part of me did, I couldn't tell it to say no because this is just so good that the pain can never equal the pleasure, and I'm digging my nails into her and I'm not knowing what she feels or what's going on and I'm not hearing her or seeing her or even feeling her because I can't feel seperate enough from her to experience her. I just am her, and she is me and it feels so good, and I keep coming back to good, because all of my thoughts have turned to pleasure and all of my words have flown away. I can barely think good, and there's so much good and I can't feel anything else and I'm lost in her and I don't want to move and I want to squirm and I just want more, more, more, but I don't think I can take more because I don't know what will happen if I cum anymore and I'm watching her beauty, but I can't tell that she's not me, and I want it to go on forever and I want, I want, I can't stop wanting and the isatiable desire builds andd the more I get the more I want and I almost thank god that it doesn't stop, but then I remember this is not god, this is halley, but maybe halley is god, and then I want to worship her, I want to thank her, I want to scream my gratitude for her but my words are still gone so I settle on a moan, a loud, animalistic grunt and a scream, and I can't remember my name or the alphabet, and I don't remember who I am except that I belong with her and I can't remember what I like except this, just more of this feeling, just this forever, and there's good everywhere and I'm covered and wet and the only words I can remember are good and more, and I know that's what I want and I don't know anything about life except this, and that this is good.

Video Games and Atheism

So, I'm a pretty big fan of scribblenauts and super scribblenauts. These are both games for the nintendo D.S. with a really cool concept. The gameplay is simple and creative, as you can have any item you can spell (minus some deemed vulgar, or some that are too obscure to be programmed in) and in super scribblenauts, you can add adjectives. You use any items you can think of to solve puzzles designed to have multiple ways of completion. Anyone who is a fan of puzzle style games should really pick this game up; It's well worth the money you'll spend.

Anyway, enough about the game in general; I'm here to praise one specific concept that spoke volumes to me, as an athiest. I always played with god in the original scribblenauts. There's something satisfying as an atheist to make god and kill him with a shotgun, nuclear bomb, poisin, acid rain, fire, and just any number of things you can think of.

Only last night, though, did I ever think to put "atheist" into the little notebook. I expected that to be too specific a concept or religions or lack thereof to be considered too controversial for it to cover without being accused of "stereotyping", but, no, to my suprise, a small, black haired guy in blue jeans and a skull shirt showed up for me to place. I happily showered him in gifts, flowers, food, some golden wings, money, and the little wrapped box with a bow that shows up when you use "Gift". Okay, so I get to feeling way to warmly towards video game characters. That's not the point.

The reason I'm writing this is what happened when I made god, to see how he and the atheist would interact. What happened? My little atheist guy ran over to god, the gear (far as I can tell, stands for thinking, working or fixing something) symbol came in a thought bubble, and god disappeared. Some people have said the athiest killed him, but I don't think that's the case. You see, in super scribblenauts, everything has four little life points, shown as red circles above them before they die or disappear. And god didn't lose his life points in this, he simply disappeared in a flash. I interpret the entire following as the atheist disproving god, and making him disappear. He does the same to a goddess. He does the same to zeus (looks just like god) and odin. I couldn't get the game to recognize any other gods I knew the name of, but I plan to try more. The general point: atheism disproves god.

So, to whoever on the creation and design team was responsible for this: Thank you, from an atheist for making your game represent atheism as correct. I know it's a small thing, but this mention and following makes me so happy. Let me say it one more time

Thank you, super scribblenauts creators
Sincerely,
a happy atheist