Open

Our relationship is open, but with the understanding that it hurts me when xe does anything sexual with anyone else. I thought xe wouldn't do anything anymore, but, well, I'd never say that xe couldn't. I wouldn't take away the right to consent. Yesses and nos are both important parts of consensual actions. I'm just hurt now.

I feel sad. I knew the practical wasn't right for me. And I thought it wasn't right for us. Xe said, or at least implied as much. But, well, here we are. Yet again. Xe's been with someone else. Again. And I'm sad. Disappointed. Upset. Hurt. I feel alone. I wish that xe hadn't done this. But I've no right to be mad or anything. Thinking back on it, xe never promised not to. Just implied xe wouldn't. Implications and technicality mean I'm the one in the wrong here.

I'm nor sure how much I like my life right now. Earlier today, I thought everything was great. Was in a good mood for a long time. Now, I don't know. I kind of feel empty, sort of hollow and broken. I kind of want to sleep, but I also feel wired, so no sleep for me. I want an escape. I hate this place. I don't want this to be my life. I guess it is.

Xe's implied and promised again and again to stop. xe never does.  I promised not to leave. That it wouldn't be a deal breaker.  Plus, I love xyr. I want xyr to love me.

Different Worlds- Nina

I was at my Mamaw's today. We don't see her often, because she's an alcohol abuser and fairly emotionally absent, and my mom and dad have never seen much reason to go see her, as she doesn't much care if we're there. However, she is considered by the neighborhood, competent to watch children, and when we showed up today for about 20 minutes, there were 6 children there, running about the house. Two belonged to my uncle Adam (well, one really, and another who has his name on her birth certificate as the father,  but that's not the point.) three to one neighbor, who was there at the time, but shut off in another room, and one to a different neighbor, who'd let her wander out of the house, and all the way in to Mamaw's house. Anyway, talking to one particular girl, I had this conversation.


Me: Hi, those are neat princess cards you're playing with
Nina: Yeah, I like them. What's your name?
Me: My name is Brittany. What's yours?
Nina: I'm Nina, but my mom calls me Sissy.
Me: That's really cool. My mom calls me sissy too.
Nina: Oh! You have a mom too! Cool!


It's so common in this child's world that someone is abandoned by their parents, that I didn't even have to say "my mom calls me sissy too" to have a common experience to bond about. All I had to say was "I have a mom too" Andrea helpfully chimed in "everyone has a mommy. They just don't always live with you" What she meant was that they abandon you. Not that you live with your dad in a divorce or anything like that. It essentially happened to her too. Her mother moved away and left my Mamaw to watch them. She pays lip service to loving her children, but doesn't see them often at all. I was in a room full of children who considered it an oddity to have two loving parents who actually paid attention to you, and I was at a loss for words.