My Diary

I kept a diary for a long time in my life. Now that's essentially been replaced by my blog, since my parents cannot find my blog and punish me for it anymore (well, very soon they can't, and I figured a month of hell was worth the cool new outlet for my feelings.) But I kept the first one starting in 6th grade. I call it my "book of lies" (like the bible!) because it's full of me lying to myself as I lied to my friends about my own sexual orientation. But my next one was totally, 100% unflinchingly honest with myself. I kept this was beginning in April of 2009, right up through december 2009, and then a few times scattered through the next year, almost skipping an entire year. This cataloged my time through the first time I had sex and a few other interesting times. Either way, it showed what a real baby I am inside, to myself. I never, ever, ever thought I'd let anyone read it. Least of all halley, because I was so embarrassed by the way I think.

So, naturally, yesterday, halley sat on my hips and read me my own diary. Completely adoringly, as if I shouldn't be ashamed of anything in it. Of how childish I sound or of how silly my concerns were. And I shouldn't. I know better now than I did then that my halley will never find some part of me that means we just can't be together. those were honestly my deepest thoughts and the only thing I had left to be embarrassed if xe saw. So, I feel a little better about our relationship now. I have proof, that, seeing every bit of me, halley is never going to find me not good enough for xyr.

I know it took a long time for me to realize. I practically had to be beaten over the head by the fact that my halley loves me. No matter what. And I love xyr too. On my deepest level, I love her. And xe read that in my diary. I feel happy. Like I have somehow proven to myself that we will work. And, with all the communication skills and loving, soft, exciting touching to back it up, I feel happy