Showing posts with label Halley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halley. Show all posts
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Preemptive Strike
Halley is away at college for a few days before I get there, and, as always, separation makes me a little nervous. But it's been a whole lot easier this specific time around because xe's been reassuring me by giving a blatant statement of how xe loves me regardless of where we are or what we're doing. And it's working. I feel really relaxed, and, if I can tell you a secret, I think I'm not even going to need it anymore after I just did it. My irrational fear of losing halley is evaporating. I'm not so scared clingy, which was taking a toll on our relationship. And now it's gone! All I had to do was indulge my desire to be reassured and it disappeared.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Conflict Resolution
I felt sad. We made mistakes. And we talked them out. That's not to say that there weren't bumps along the way. That's not to say we didn't have a kind of difficult time with it. I was hurting. I made some mistakes. Calling it unable to be made up for to xyr.
But Halley and I? We don't just break up over something so silly. It was a mistake for her, what instigated it, and we've established the underlying reasons for the desire. I made a mistake, that was to tell xyr it was such a big deal. The point is, we talked it out. Unwillingness and pain aside, we made it through discussing it and we made each other feel better.
This is what makes or breaks a relationship. The way these situations get handled. And we handle them beautifully. The love we have is why we're here. It's why we want to be close and in contact. The love we have makes all of the bad times worth it, but the way we react and feel about each other when things hurt is what ensures we stay together in the moment. We always love each other. No matter what happens, I know I will always be loved and that I will always love my halley
But Halley and I? We don't just break up over something so silly. It was a mistake for her, what instigated it, and we've established the underlying reasons for the desire. I made a mistake, that was to tell xyr it was such a big deal. The point is, we talked it out. Unwillingness and pain aside, we made it through discussing it and we made each other feel better.
This is what makes or breaks a relationship. The way these situations get handled. And we handle them beautifully. The love we have is why we're here. It's why we want to be close and in contact. The love we have makes all of the bad times worth it, but the way we react and feel about each other when things hurt is what ensures we stay together in the moment. We always love each other. No matter what happens, I know I will always be loved and that I will always love my halley
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Open
Our relationship is open, but with the understanding that it hurts me when xe does anything sexual with anyone else. I thought xe wouldn't do anything anymore, but, well, I'd never say that xe couldn't. I wouldn't take away the right to consent. Yesses and nos are both important parts of consensual actions. I'm just hurt now.
I feel sad. I knew the practical wasn't right for me. And I thought it wasn't right for us. Xe said, or at least implied as much. But, well, here we are. Yet again. Xe's been with someone else. Again. And I'm sad. Disappointed. Upset. Hurt. I feel alone. I wish that xe hadn't done this. But I've no right to be mad or anything. Thinking back on it, xe never promised not to. Just implied xe wouldn't. Implications and technicality mean I'm the one in the wrong here.
I'm nor sure how much I like my life right now. Earlier today, I thought everything was great. Was in a good mood for a long time. Now, I don't know. I kind of feel empty, sort of hollow and broken. I kind of want to sleep, but I also feel wired, so no sleep for me. I want an escape. I hate this place. I don't want this to be my life. I guess it is.
Xe's implied and promised again and again to stop. xe never does. I promised not to leave. That it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Plus, I love xyr. I want xyr to love me.
I feel sad. I knew the practical wasn't right for me. And I thought it wasn't right for us. Xe said, or at least implied as much. But, well, here we are. Yet again. Xe's been with someone else. Again. And I'm sad. Disappointed. Upset. Hurt. I feel alone. I wish that xe hadn't done this. But I've no right to be mad or anything. Thinking back on it, xe never promised not to. Just implied xe wouldn't. Implications and technicality mean I'm the one in the wrong here.
I'm nor sure how much I like my life right now. Earlier today, I thought everything was great. Was in a good mood for a long time. Now, I don't know. I kind of feel empty, sort of hollow and broken. I kind of want to sleep, but I also feel wired, so no sleep for me. I want an escape. I hate this place. I don't want this to be my life. I guess it is.
Xe's implied and promised again and again to stop. xe never does. I promised not to leave. That it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Plus, I love xyr. I want xyr to love me.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
My Unease About Abuse
I have all of these issues that pop up when I hear about abuse, especially emotional abuse. I get worried really easily that I'm somehow being an abuser accidentally. I suppose I'm worried that I'm so needy and prone to being upset that I'm making the relationship all about myself. I get worried any time someone contrasts it with a more abusive relationship, because I'm afraid it's downplaying and rationalization. I love my halley so much that I start to feel like every little move is important, and I worry about her. Now, don't get me wrong. This irrationality is not because of my love, rather, my love combined with my general sense of low self esteem. This problem is hard to shake, but I'm getting better.
You see, I can look at all of the wonderful times we have together, and I can see that we giggle and play and be together. We talk about everything, we trust each other, and I can see how safe I make xyr feel. We know each other, on big issues and small, and we get along on so many levels. We We give affection and we always try to be so good to each other. And, of course, we have mindblowing kinky sex, with huge focus on the most important thing: consent.
And when we do have problems? well, we talk them out. Sometimes, I'm a little reluctant at first, but, again, I'm not perfect and I'm working on this. I'm doing really well, I might add. We communicate. We tell each other how we feel, as openly and honestly as we know how. We usually fill in the form of "I am feeling _______ because __________________________________" and it works. We feel better soon. And, on top of that, most, if not all, of our issues stem from the desire to be good to each other and feeling of failing, or a simple miscommunication (almost always my fault, by the way. [but that doesn't mean I'm bad, or ruining the relaitonship] Halley takes things literally, and I mess with them by adding the connotations of words and silly things.) Problem resolution happens quickly, if I don't lose my head, and then it's back to snuggles and kisses and discussions of the state of the world and how to help the underpriveleged (We have a project coming up!! I'm excited, but more on that later!) and hugs and namics and games and sex and argumentation and writing our blogs together.
So, I guess what I mean to say is that, despite all of this, sometimes, I get scared in the deepest corner of my mind that I'm an accidental abuser. Lately, though, I've been able to get into that corner and show my mind the above mention of how my relationship works. And, however prone I am to feeling uneasy, I know with the most logical parts of me that my relationship with halley is healthy.
You see, I can look at all of the wonderful times we have together, and I can see that we giggle and play and be together. We talk about everything, we trust each other, and I can see how safe I make xyr feel. We know each other, on big issues and small, and we get along on so many levels. We We give affection and we always try to be so good to each other. And, of course, we have mindblowing kinky sex, with huge focus on the most important thing: consent.
And when we do have problems? well, we talk them out. Sometimes, I'm a little reluctant at first, but, again, I'm not perfect and I'm working on this. I'm doing really well, I might add. We communicate. We tell each other how we feel, as openly and honestly as we know how. We usually fill in the form of "I am feeling _______ because __________________________________" and it works. We feel better soon. And, on top of that, most, if not all, of our issues stem from the desire to be good to each other and feeling of failing, or a simple miscommunication (almost always my fault, by the way. [but that doesn't mean I'm bad, or ruining the relaitonship] Halley takes things literally, and I mess with them by adding the connotations of words and silly things.) Problem resolution happens quickly, if I don't lose my head, and then it's back to snuggles and kisses and discussions of the state of the world and how to help the underpriveleged (We have a project coming up!! I'm excited, but more on that later!) and hugs and namics and games and sex and argumentation and writing our blogs together.
So, I guess what I mean to say is that, despite all of this, sometimes, I get scared in the deepest corner of my mind that I'm an accidental abuser. Lately, though, I've been able to get into that corner and show my mind the above mention of how my relationship works. And, however prone I am to feeling uneasy, I know with the most logical parts of me that my relationship with halley is healthy.
Monday, September 5, 2011
It's Only Natural- guest post by halley
I'm generally skeptical about things, but some things I actually don't think too much about. I am truly a hippie at heart. I generally think that all things natural are good, if it's a decision that has specific consequences, well, then I make sure. Parenting is one of the ones that I've thought a lot about, but not too much away from my instincts. It makes sense that a natural way of parenting would be good because if it were bad, we may have all died by now. Like if circumcision was really necessary for good health, we would have died out.
I don't know much about the studies involving sleep training or formula feeding. Brittany tries to educate me about how much better breast milk is, but it only seems to go as far that the artificial way causes harm in my brain. I've always thought that setting your baby down would lead to it getting eaten by a saber toothed tiger. Realistically, I'm pretty sure that if my baby is away from me, it will get hurt. I've always hated the idea of putting a baby in a crib. When I heard that cosleeping was dangerous because your baby might suffocate, I was still going to do it because the risk seems less, I now know it to be true that your baby is safer with you then alone, even during sleep.
If there is no logical reason to mess with something natural, then I don't think it's a good idea to do it. As it turns out, many of our "improvements" on the natural way of doing things are downright dangerous to our babies. I don't need to know exactly how bad something is to know that something with no bad things about it is better. The idea that letting a baby cry without doing anything isn't the most awful thing you could do to it feels so wrong. If I was crying, I'd want the person who loved me to help me and if she didn't I wouldn't feel loved. Why on earth would a baby be different?
We ought to instinctively know how to parent because every other species on the planet knows how to parent. No other primate puts it's young in a place away from it, no other primate rips apart it's babies genitals, no other primate cuts the umbilical cord immediately, no other primate has it's young laying on it's back with it's legs up. There is a reason for these things, they just don't feel right, they aren't right and our hormones, subconscious, and thousands of years of genetic programming tell us so.
Don't get the wrong idea, trusting instincts blindly is a bad idea, make sure that doctors haven't came up with something better and everything, but in general, natural is best. Medicine is an exception, vaccines, emergency c-sections. Don't be ignorant of your options by any means, but if something is claiming to be better than the natural way, don't just assume that science must be better. Do look at the evidence, but let your instincts guide you when there is lack of evidence. Putting your baby to your breast is the most instinctive act of motherhood, why would you give your baby anything but what was designed just for it?
I don't know much about the studies involving sleep training or formula feeding. Brittany tries to educate me about how much better breast milk is, but it only seems to go as far that the artificial way causes harm in my brain. I've always thought that setting your baby down would lead to it getting eaten by a saber toothed tiger. Realistically, I'm pretty sure that if my baby is away from me, it will get hurt. I've always hated the idea of putting a baby in a crib. When I heard that cosleeping was dangerous because your baby might suffocate, I was still going to do it because the risk seems less, I now know it to be true that your baby is safer with you then alone, even during sleep.
If there is no logical reason to mess with something natural, then I don't think it's a good idea to do it. As it turns out, many of our "improvements" on the natural way of doing things are downright dangerous to our babies. I don't need to know exactly how bad something is to know that something with no bad things about it is better. The idea that letting a baby cry without doing anything isn't the most awful thing you could do to it feels so wrong. If I was crying, I'd want the person who loved me to help me and if she didn't I wouldn't feel loved. Why on earth would a baby be different?
We ought to instinctively know how to parent because every other species on the planet knows how to parent. No other primate puts it's young in a place away from it, no other primate rips apart it's babies genitals, no other primate cuts the umbilical cord immediately, no other primate has it's young laying on it's back with it's legs up. There is a reason for these things, they just don't feel right, they aren't right and our hormones, subconscious, and thousands of years of genetic programming tell us so.
Don't get the wrong idea, trusting instincts blindly is a bad idea, make sure that doctors haven't came up with something better and everything, but in general, natural is best. Medicine is an exception, vaccines, emergency c-sections. Don't be ignorant of your options by any means, but if something is claiming to be better than the natural way, don't just assume that science must be better. Do look at the evidence, but let your instincts guide you when there is lack of evidence. Putting your baby to your breast is the most instinctive act of motherhood, why would you give your baby anything but what was designed just for it?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Halleyland
In halleyland it's warm.
In halleyland it's safe.
In halleyland A is A.
In halleyland there is love.
In halleyland I feel at home.
In halleyland everyone is good.
In halleyland I understand most things.
In halleyland there is no guilt.
In halleyland there is no irrational fear.
In halleyland there is little stress.
In halleyland there's no conformity or anti-conformity
In halleyland there's nothing wrong with me.
In halleyland there's tolerance.
In halleyland the world is simple.
In halleyland there are no stupid social rules.
In halleyland being nice is how to be nice.
In halleyland we help people, regardless.
In halleyland there is laughter.
In halleyland there is compassion.
In halleyland things just feel right.
In halleyland the silly little things don't matter.
In halleyland there is communication.
In the world it can be cold and lonely.
In the world it's so unsafe.
In the world A is not A.
In the world there is guilt.
In the world there is war.
In the world there is cruelty.
In the world there is much too much seriousness.
In the world the little things are everything
In the world there are rules to go through to say anything
In the world there is intolerance.
In the world there is blind faith
In the world I feel lost and far away
In the world communication is impossible.
In halleyland it's safe.
In halleyland A is A.
In halleyland there is love.
In halleyland I feel at home.
In halleyland everyone is good.
In halleyland I understand most things.
In halleyland there is no guilt.
In halleyland there is no irrational fear.
In halleyland there is little stress.
In halleyland there's no conformity or anti-conformity
In halleyland there's nothing wrong with me.
In halleyland there's tolerance.
In halleyland the world is simple.
In halleyland there are no stupid social rules.
In halleyland being nice is how to be nice.
In halleyland we help people, regardless.
In halleyland there is laughter.
In halleyland there is compassion.
In halleyland things just feel right.
In halleyland the silly little things don't matter.
In halleyland there is communication.
In the world it can be cold and lonely.
In the world it's so unsafe.
In the world A is not A.
In the world there is guilt.
In the world there is war.
In the world there is cruelty.
In the world there is much too much seriousness.
In the world the little things are everything
In the world there are rules to go through to say anything
In the world there is intolerance.
In the world there is blind faith
In the world I feel lost and far away
In the world communication is impossible.
Friday, September 2, 2011
My Diary
I kept a diary for a long time in my life. Now that's essentially been replaced by my blog, since my parents cannot find my blog and punish me for it anymore (well, very soon they can't, and I figured a month of hell was worth the cool new outlet for my feelings.) But I kept the first one starting in 6th grade. I call it my "book of lies" (like the bible!) because it's full of me lying to myself as I lied to my friends about my own sexual orientation. But my next one was totally, 100% unflinchingly honest with myself. I kept this was beginning in April of 2009, right up through december 2009, and then a few times scattered through the next year, almost skipping an entire year. This cataloged my time through the first time I had sex and a few other interesting times. Either way, it showed what a real baby I am inside, to myself. I never, ever, ever thought I'd let anyone read it. Least of all halley, because I was so embarrassed by the way I think.
So, naturally, yesterday, halley sat on my hips and read me my own diary. Completely adoringly, as if I shouldn't be ashamed of anything in it. Of how childish I sound or of how silly my concerns were. And I shouldn't. I know better now than I did then that my halley will never find some part of me that means we just can't be together. those were honestly my deepest thoughts and the only thing I had left to be embarrassed if xe saw. So, I feel a little better about our relationship now. I have proof, that, seeing every bit of me, halley is never going to find me not good enough for xyr.
I know it took a long time for me to realize. I practically had to be beaten over the head by the fact that my halley loves me. No matter what. And I love xyr too. On my deepest level, I love her. And xe read that in my diary. I feel happy. Like I have somehow proven to myself that we will work. And, with all the communication skills and loving, soft, exciting touching to back it up, I feel happy
So, naturally, yesterday, halley sat on my hips and read me my own diary. Completely adoringly, as if I shouldn't be ashamed of anything in it. Of how childish I sound or of how silly my concerns were. And I shouldn't. I know better now than I did then that my halley will never find some part of me that means we just can't be together. those were honestly my deepest thoughts and the only thing I had left to be embarrassed if xe saw. So, I feel a little better about our relationship now. I have proof, that, seeing every bit of me, halley is never going to find me not good enough for xyr.
I know it took a long time for me to realize. I practically had to be beaten over the head by the fact that my halley loves me. No matter what. And I love xyr too. On my deepest level, I love her. And xe read that in my diary. I feel happy. Like I have somehow proven to myself that we will work. And, with all the communication skills and loving, soft, exciting touching to back it up, I feel happy
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Consequences of Sex
I went with halley to the movies, and long story short, we leave within ten minutes, but that's its own post, and after that, we sat outside at a dairy queen nearby, talking and having fun in general, and then making out. Well, once xe'd made out with me, all I wanted was sex, and I wanted it so bad, I would have it on the levvy, so I begged xyr to please come over and do something on the other side.
There was a problem, though. The way the hill curves, combined with the angle of the light behind it made the other side of the levvy look eerily dark, and we weren't sure how it did it. But halley's tendency to be curious and investigate scientifically lead to the discovery that it was all mathmatic, and the best thing was, once we got over there, even if someone was on top of the hill, looking down, they would have no way of seeing us or what we were doing. So, we went a little down the hill, and from that angle, we could see clearly how nothing was eerie. For a few minutes.
Then, in the middle of something, xe looked up and thought there might've been a human figure by this building that helps keep the town from flooding on the other end of the hill. We shook it off, but then heard voices, but no one was around. My mind was falling prey to the terrified and idea that this was fucking dangerous and maybe there was something supernatural going on, because that's how it happens in the movies. Yeah, not one of my prouder moments as an atheist. But, anyway, we ceased what we were doing and looked around to attempt to locate the voices, and I was sure I'd heard a child's voice. While looking around, with knowledge of the surrounding area, we saw a shadowwy, essentially blockish figure near the building that didn't belong. We kept our eyes on it for a while and I wanted to run for the light, but halley said that we should stay where we are, so if there was anything around, it couldn't see us.
Then, the blockish figure lit up and two people drove away on it, it having been a four wheeler. I was flooded with relief first, but then the strange voices returned and we also saw a weird shadow in the other direction. We decided we needed to crawl in the direction of the building and loop around it, because that way we'd never be walking towards the top of a hill, exactly. So, we crawled through soaking wet grass and mud, and swarms of mosquitos, geting cut and bitten, and halley's wrist got broken (which xe set and fixed and is better now.)
And those, kids; sheer terror, mosquito bites, grass stains, and mud, are the negative consequences of your sex drive.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Little Pink Book Intro
I thought it'd make a nice little series of blog posts, so, I asked My halley about it, and xe said it could be a good idea. (I'm always very indecisive, so I wasn't sure how readable it would be. So, Anyway, now and again, I'll do an entry titled "Little Pink Book" and then a number, with the same graphic pictured above, and that'll be another piece of the book that is my take on how everyone feels.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Religion and Sexuality
This article will also be published on generation atheist so go check it out if you happen to read my blog, but not it.
I've grown up in an area with a church on every corner. This is not much of an exaggeration. There are two churches within ten minutes walking distance from where I'm sitting, and four within 20. I live in a place where church/state violations are brushed of as silly and people roll their eyes when asked to include religions other than christianity, and find it unthinkable to not believe in a god. a vast, vast majority of people around here are christian. My high school had between 400 and 500 people in it, and the number of (out) atheists was at 7, at the highest, while I was there. Most people attended a church every week, at least.
Luckily for me, somehow, my parents don't happen to be very religious. My mom is something of an agnostic, but went with the label "christian" for a long time, because she'd gone to church as a kid, and she didn't utilize her own mind very much until a few years ago, preferring to let my dad decide these things. My dad grew up in an abusive home, and tried to get religion to save him from it around age 15, and since, even though he's not gone to church or read the bible, has been a weird sort of religious that seems to mean he thinks that there's a god who wants you to worship him and believes a few randomized passages in the bible. I'm not really sure why someone with such an insanely cherry-picked religion that seems totally unique to him would feel he could criticize others, but he somehow finds a lack of religion laughable.
Enter- My homosexuality, and screw with all of my family relationships. I didn't come out until about a year after my parents decided they found out. It's all a little difficult to explain, but my dad heard rumors that I was gay, and kissed my girlfriend at school, then, I gave xem a goodbye kiss on xyr forehead one day, and he decided that he knew enough to guess that, yes, I am a lesbian, and I should never be allowed to talk to my girlfriend.
The only reason I could ever get out of him was that god said homosexuality was bad. This utterly insane man had somehow chosen the verse about stoning homosexuals to believe, out of all of them. He called me disgusting, and told me I was going to hell. He told me I wasn't his daughter anymore. And the only reason I could get out of him was religion. My mom just cried and said she loved me, but she wanted me to change so god would love me. I was so confused at the time. How was this random Leviticus verse the one that would send me to hell when none of us kept the sabbath holy, attended church, prayed before dinner, or even learned about the bible? But, religion around here seems to be all about intolerance.
So, my parents' reaction to my homosexuality was because of religion. My friends? Actually, most of them didn't care. That's why they were my friends. But my pool of potential friends pretty much evaporated at school. I lived a dangerous double life that, in hindsight, seems crazy to have attempted, but, I digress, the point is, at school, I was an out, proud, lesbian, and that people knew this made them look at me with disgust. No one wanted me as their teacher-picked partner for assignments, and it was hilarious to point at me and say "that's the lesbian" When halley (my girlfriend) was holding hands and walking with me, asking explicit questions about out (then nonexistent) sex-life was okay. Teachers looked the other way for the most part, because really, we deserved it for defying god this way. It seemed every way I turned, someone hated me for loving xem because their sky dad said so.
This caused a little shame, but luckily, most of the time, I just felt depressed that everyone seemed to hate me without actually thinking about it. But I did feel a little shame. I tended to laugh it off. And I labeled myself a "bad girl" because I wasn't listening to my parents for the first time in my life, and, even though I didn't believe in god, it was still something I was doing that was yicky, according to most people I knew. I thought maybe something was wrong with me, and I was terrified that there was some premise I was missing that made their logic make sense without god involved, and I lived in fear of debates, because what if they proved that it was bad? would I stop loving xem? could I stop loving xem?
But what ultimately saved me was my halley and my friends. They reminded me that loving hurts no one, even if imaginary sky dad says it does. I have one conversation I'd like to share with everyone reading, paraphrased to the best of my memory between me and a friend on facebook chat. We'll call him Jeremy. He's the kind of guy who is always joking about everything, so one night, as I was telling him I watched the spanish channel on cable at four in the morning and it was utterly bizarre, the conversation went little like this
Jeremy: well, there's basically porn on HBO at four a.m.
Me: lol. okay
Jeremy: yeah, so now you can watch all the naked girlies you want, and no one will know.
Me: haha. I'm too much of a sweet innocent little girl for that.
Jeremy: ... yeah, I'm sure you are. lol.
Me: well, it's not like I haven't thought about it. But sometimes, I forget I'm not a good girl anymore. haha. It's like I was for so long, I don't remember that that changed.
Jeremy: Brittany, you are good. You are sweet and kind and you loving a girl doesn't affect this. Anyone who wants to tell you otherwise is just a narrow-minded fuckhead who is jealous that you have someone who loves you.
Me: I think that's the sweetest think anyone's ever said to me. I didn't know you could get that serious.
And it continued. But that reminded me, without this nonsense god stuff, sexual orientation of any sort is okay, and it doesn't affect how good or kind you can be, so no one experiencing this should be ashamed.
I've grown up in an area with a church on every corner. This is not much of an exaggeration. There are two churches within ten minutes walking distance from where I'm sitting, and four within 20. I live in a place where church/state violations are brushed of as silly and people roll their eyes when asked to include religions other than christianity, and find it unthinkable to not believe in a god. a vast, vast majority of people around here are christian. My high school had between 400 and 500 people in it, and the number of (out) atheists was at 7, at the highest, while I was there. Most people attended a church every week, at least.
Luckily for me, somehow, my parents don't happen to be very religious. My mom is something of an agnostic, but went with the label "christian" for a long time, because she'd gone to church as a kid, and she didn't utilize her own mind very much until a few years ago, preferring to let my dad decide these things. My dad grew up in an abusive home, and tried to get religion to save him from it around age 15, and since, even though he's not gone to church or read the bible, has been a weird sort of religious that seems to mean he thinks that there's a god who wants you to worship him and believes a few randomized passages in the bible. I'm not really sure why someone with such an insanely cherry-picked religion that seems totally unique to him would feel he could criticize others, but he somehow finds a lack of religion laughable.
Enter- My homosexuality, and screw with all of my family relationships. I didn't come out until about a year after my parents decided they found out. It's all a little difficult to explain, but my dad heard rumors that I was gay, and kissed my girlfriend at school, then, I gave xem a goodbye kiss on xyr forehead one day, and he decided that he knew enough to guess that, yes, I am a lesbian, and I should never be allowed to talk to my girlfriend.
The only reason I could ever get out of him was that god said homosexuality was bad. This utterly insane man had somehow chosen the verse about stoning homosexuals to believe, out of all of them. He called me disgusting, and told me I was going to hell. He told me I wasn't his daughter anymore. And the only reason I could get out of him was religion. My mom just cried and said she loved me, but she wanted me to change so god would love me. I was so confused at the time. How was this random Leviticus verse the one that would send me to hell when none of us kept the sabbath holy, attended church, prayed before dinner, or even learned about the bible? But, religion around here seems to be all about intolerance.
So, my parents' reaction to my homosexuality was because of religion. My friends? Actually, most of them didn't care. That's why they were my friends. But my pool of potential friends pretty much evaporated at school. I lived a dangerous double life that, in hindsight, seems crazy to have attempted, but, I digress, the point is, at school, I was an out, proud, lesbian, and that people knew this made them look at me with disgust. No one wanted me as their teacher-picked partner for assignments, and it was hilarious to point at me and say "that's the lesbian" When halley (my girlfriend) was holding hands and walking with me, asking explicit questions about out (then nonexistent) sex-life was okay. Teachers looked the other way for the most part, because really, we deserved it for defying god this way. It seemed every way I turned, someone hated me for loving xem because their sky dad said so.
This caused a little shame, but luckily, most of the time, I just felt depressed that everyone seemed to hate me without actually thinking about it. But I did feel a little shame. I tended to laugh it off. And I labeled myself a "bad girl" because I wasn't listening to my parents for the first time in my life, and, even though I didn't believe in god, it was still something I was doing that was yicky, according to most people I knew. I thought maybe something was wrong with me, and I was terrified that there was some premise I was missing that made their logic make sense without god involved, and I lived in fear of debates, because what if they proved that it was bad? would I stop loving xem? could I stop loving xem?
But what ultimately saved me was my halley and my friends. They reminded me that loving hurts no one, even if imaginary sky dad says it does. I have one conversation I'd like to share with everyone reading, paraphrased to the best of my memory between me and a friend on facebook chat. We'll call him Jeremy. He's the kind of guy who is always joking about everything, so one night, as I was telling him I watched the spanish channel on cable at four in the morning and it was utterly bizarre, the conversation went little like this
Jeremy: well, there's basically porn on HBO at four a.m.
Me: lol. okay
Jeremy: yeah, so now you can watch all the naked girlies you want, and no one will know.
Me: haha. I'm too much of a sweet innocent little girl for that.
Jeremy: ... yeah, I'm sure you are. lol.
Me: well, it's not like I haven't thought about it. But sometimes, I forget I'm not a good girl anymore. haha. It's like I was for so long, I don't remember that that changed.
Jeremy: Brittany, you are good. You are sweet and kind and you loving a girl doesn't affect this. Anyone who wants to tell you otherwise is just a narrow-minded fuckhead who is jealous that you have someone who loves you.
Me: I think that's the sweetest think anyone's ever said to me. I didn't know you could get that serious.
And it continued. But that reminded me, without this nonsense god stuff, sexual orientation of any sort is okay, and it doesn't affect how good or kind you can be, so no one experiencing this should be ashamed.
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Stories Bodies Tell Us
This is a parallel of my wonderful Halley's post.
My fourth toe on my left foot is crooked, because I come from a family where this is normal, the one on my right foot is straight because, around age 8, I tripped over a toy and broke it straight.
My toenails have a little chipped yellow polish on them; I like to have fun with "girly" things, and then don't care enough to upkeep them.
My legs aren't shaved, because I don't much care to shave them.
My calves are muscular, mostly from holding so much weight off the ground, but they also tell the story of marching band, something that was fun that I used to fill up the space in my life around my halley when I couldn't talk to her before.
My vulva, generally isn't messed with, because I like the way it naturally is most times. When it has been shaved, it shows I'm ready for some oral sex, actually
My genitals, overall, are intact and not pierced, showing I come from a culture where female genital mutilation is not allowed by law, and that I don't want to modify my body on my own terms much.
My tummy is big, with stretch marks all over. They're purple and red and run deep. I don't mind them, and my halley says they're there for ayees to feel and I like that. I like how it's not all smooth and there are little valleys to feel.
My chest is uneven, and I have a little freckle type spot on the bottom of my left areola that makes me happy. I like how none of it is symmetrical.
I have long fingers just like my daddy, and a freckle that I use to tell my left from right that's right on the web of skin attached to the thumb of my left hand.
My left eye has a pupil that's shaped like pac-man. It doesn't affect my vision, except through a microscope. When looking into one, I have that pie-slice cutout in my vision. (must be something about how microscopes work)
My hair has recently been cut to a little over my shoulders. I like it this way because I feel more androgynous.
I am special. And I am the only one with a body that tells all of these stories.
My fourth toe on my left foot is crooked, because I come from a family where this is normal, the one on my right foot is straight because, around age 8, I tripped over a toy and broke it straight.
My toenails have a little chipped yellow polish on them; I like to have fun with "girly" things, and then don't care enough to upkeep them.
My legs aren't shaved, because I don't much care to shave them.
My calves are muscular, mostly from holding so much weight off the ground, but they also tell the story of marching band, something that was fun that I used to fill up the space in my life around my halley when I couldn't talk to her before.
My vulva, generally isn't messed with, because I like the way it naturally is most times. When it has been shaved, it shows I'm ready for some oral sex, actually
My genitals, overall, are intact and not pierced, showing I come from a culture where female genital mutilation is not allowed by law, and that I don't want to modify my body on my own terms much.
My tummy is big, with stretch marks all over. They're purple and red and run deep. I don't mind them, and my halley says they're there for ayees to feel and I like that. I like how it's not all smooth and there are little valleys to feel.
My chest is uneven, and I have a little freckle type spot on the bottom of my left areola that makes me happy. I like how none of it is symmetrical.
I have long fingers just like my daddy, and a freckle that I use to tell my left from right that's right on the web of skin attached to the thumb of my left hand.
My left eye has a pupil that's shaped like pac-man. It doesn't affect my vision, except through a microscope. When looking into one, I have that pie-slice cutout in my vision. (must be something about how microscopes work)
My hair has recently been cut to a little over my shoulders. I like it this way because I feel more androgynous.
I am special. And I am the only one with a body that tells all of these stories.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Fucking
Well, guys, it's time we talk even more about sex! My halley has a wonderful post up over on her blog. And I could never hope to equal it, but I do want to tell you how it feels to have such purely animalistic sex, just like she did.
See, I lose track of me and her. I lose track of my actions and her responses. There's so much pleasure and so much pain that I can't tell if I want it to stop, and even if a part of me did, I couldn't tell it to say no because this is just so good that the pain can never equal the pleasure, and I'm digging my nails into her and I'm not knowing what she feels or what's going on and I'm not hearing her or seeing her or even feeling her because I can't feel seperate enough from her to experience her. I just am her, and she is me and it feels so good, and I keep coming back to good, because all of my thoughts have turned to pleasure and all of my words have flown away. I can barely think good, and there's so much good and I can't feel anything else and I'm lost in her and I don't want to move and I want to squirm and I just want more, more, more, but I don't think I can take more because I don't know what will happen if I cum anymore and I'm watching her beauty, but I can't tell that she's not me, and I want it to go on forever and I want, I want, I can't stop wanting and the isatiable desire builds andd the more I get the more I want and I almost thank god that it doesn't stop, but then I remember this is not god, this is halley, but maybe halley is god, and then I want to worship her, I want to thank her, I want to scream my gratitude for her but my words are still gone so I settle on a moan, a loud, animalistic grunt and a scream, and I can't remember my name or the alphabet, and I don't remember who I am except that I belong with her and I can't remember what I like except this, just more of this feeling, just this forever, and there's good everywhere and I'm covered and wet and the only words I can remember are good and more, and I know that's what I want and I don't know anything about life except this, and that this is good.
See, I lose track of me and her. I lose track of my actions and her responses. There's so much pleasure and so much pain that I can't tell if I want it to stop, and even if a part of me did, I couldn't tell it to say no because this is just so good that the pain can never equal the pleasure, and I'm digging my nails into her and I'm not knowing what she feels or what's going on and I'm not hearing her or seeing her or even feeling her because I can't feel seperate enough from her to experience her. I just am her, and she is me and it feels so good, and I keep coming back to good, because all of my thoughts have turned to pleasure and all of my words have flown away. I can barely think good, and there's so much good and I can't feel anything else and I'm lost in her and I don't want to move and I want to squirm and I just want more, more, more, but I don't think I can take more because I don't know what will happen if I cum anymore and I'm watching her beauty, but I can't tell that she's not me, and I want it to go on forever and I want, I want, I can't stop wanting and the isatiable desire builds andd the more I get the more I want and I almost thank god that it doesn't stop, but then I remember this is not god, this is halley, but maybe halley is god, and then I want to worship her, I want to thank her, I want to scream my gratitude for her but my words are still gone so I settle on a moan, a loud, animalistic grunt and a scream, and I can't remember my name or the alphabet, and I don't remember who I am except that I belong with her and I can't remember what I like except this, just more of this feeling, just this forever, and there's good everywhere and I'm covered and wet and the only words I can remember are good and more, and I know that's what I want and I don't know anything about life except this, and that this is good.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
How I masturbate- parallel of Halley
Okay, guys, so the blog description promised "sex" as the second thing on here! So, it's about damn time that I talked about something sexual! Okay, okay, so we're all uncomfortable talking about things like this. Everyone does it (or just about) and it's a good thing for us all! Also, Halleyland readers, I'd like to share with you a different perspective on how it goes, because, guys, I don't know if you've heard, but everyone's different. And this includes masturbating differently.
I'm hard to get off. I can't do it without a lot lot lot of stimulation. And it used to make me so pissed that it's unbelievable. So, the advice she gave you, about relaxing? Yeah, do it. I had to calm the fuck down before I could masturbate effectively. After relaxation, there are lots of things you can do. I use water too.
You see, first, I fill our tub with water. Our tub makes it easy because it's a jacuzzi tub, with the jets and stuff. (my dad does a lot of side work as a lowe's installer, so he gets all of our normally expensive appliances for incredibly reduced prices.) All I do is get in, relax for a minute, turn on the water jets, and turn down the water pressure on every jet except for one. Then, I curl around it with my feet up on the side of the tub. I wriggle around until it's at an angle to push back the skin by itself and directly hit my clitoris. I generally don't move once it's there and let the water do the rest of the work. I've recently found that using a little diluted tea-tree oil (used in shampoo to prevent lice and help overly oily hair) helps out for me. I just apply it to the general area I use to masturbate. I'd reccommend trying this with an extremely diluted amount first if you want to try it out. depending on your sensitivity level, too much could cause burning feeling or a rash.
Personally, I like to try to sing through it all. I guess that's weird. Well, I know that's really weird, but I find it's an amusing challenge. And leaning to be quiet or at least sound like you're doing something non-sexual can be beneficial. You never know when you might have some annoying neighbor or roomate who doesn't want to hear you having sex. You should try it for the fun of it, guys. :) It might make you giggle and it'll help keep it not too serious. It doesn't need to be all that serious. It should be fun, and for me, this is just the way to relax.
I'm hard to get off. I can't do it without a lot lot lot of stimulation. And it used to make me so pissed that it's unbelievable. So, the advice she gave you, about relaxing? Yeah, do it. I had to calm the fuck down before I could masturbate effectively. After relaxation, there are lots of things you can do. I use water too.
You see, first, I fill our tub with water. Our tub makes it easy because it's a jacuzzi tub, with the jets and stuff. (my dad does a lot of side work as a lowe's installer, so he gets all of our normally expensive appliances for incredibly reduced prices.) All I do is get in, relax for a minute, turn on the water jets, and turn down the water pressure on every jet except for one. Then, I curl around it with my feet up on the side of the tub. I wriggle around until it's at an angle to push back the skin by itself and directly hit my clitoris. I generally don't move once it's there and let the water do the rest of the work. I've recently found that using a little diluted tea-tree oil (used in shampoo to prevent lice and help overly oily hair) helps out for me. I just apply it to the general area I use to masturbate. I'd reccommend trying this with an extremely diluted amount first if you want to try it out. depending on your sensitivity level, too much could cause burning feeling or a rash.
Personally, I like to try to sing through it all. I guess that's weird. Well, I know that's really weird, but I find it's an amusing challenge. And leaning to be quiet or at least sound like you're doing something non-sexual can be beneficial. You never know when you might have some annoying neighbor or roomate who doesn't want to hear you having sex. You should try it for the fun of it, guys. :) It might make you giggle and it'll help keep it not too serious. It doesn't need to be all that serious. It should be fun, and for me, this is just the way to relax.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Darkness
My girl is dark. She has a scary place inside her mind that sends out some of the most fucked up things I've ever seen. I debated on this a long time ago. Is this a problem? Is it a symptom of a problem? I thought long and hard and realized that no, no it is not. And I haven't had a regret about them since.
Maybe it would be helpful to describe in a bit more detail what I mean by these "things". Her stories, the ones she comes up with in her head are dark. And I'm not saying someone dies in some. I'm saying that in her stories, every character has been orphaned, abandoned, whipped, beaten, scarred, raped, enslaved, in whatever way, everyone comes with extreme damage. When left to wander, her mind goes darker places than I ever could have imagined.
Just last night we had a namic where she was a slave and I was the kind daughter of his owner. She wanted beaten completely bloody, til she could barely move, and once I fixed that, she wanted to be raped and beaten again, turned into scars upon scars. This is her idea of fun. And it's deeper and darker than I could ever come up with on my own.
I don't know where it comes from. I don't know if it comes from her history of abuse or from something else. Wherever it comes from, I know it in and of itself is not hurting her. And, to tell you the truth, that's all I care about. I love her regardless. In fact, knowing her mind can go to such incredibly dark places makes me feel good about her love for me. I mean, if someone who can be so dark can giggle with me, play with me, give me kisses, feed me touch me with such gentle hands, snuggle me and enjoy herself, that really shows she loves me. She's not just that light and fun with anyone. It takes some real love to pull her mind out of that and into my heart.
Maybe it would be helpful to describe in a bit more detail what I mean by these "things". Her stories, the ones she comes up with in her head are dark. And I'm not saying someone dies in some. I'm saying that in her stories, every character has been orphaned, abandoned, whipped, beaten, scarred, raped, enslaved, in whatever way, everyone comes with extreme damage. When left to wander, her mind goes darker places than I ever could have imagined.
Just last night we had a namic where she was a slave and I was the kind daughter of his owner. She wanted beaten completely bloody, til she could barely move, and once I fixed that, she wanted to be raped and beaten again, turned into scars upon scars. This is her idea of fun. And it's deeper and darker than I could ever come up with on my own.
I don't know where it comes from. I don't know if it comes from her history of abuse or from something else. Wherever it comes from, I know it in and of itself is not hurting her. And, to tell you the truth, that's all I care about. I love her regardless. In fact, knowing her mind can go to such incredibly dark places makes me feel good about her love for me. I mean, if someone who can be so dark can giggle with me, play with me, give me kisses, feed me touch me with such gentle hands, snuggle me and enjoy herself, that really shows she loves me. She's not just that light and fun with anyone. It takes some real love to pull her mind out of that and into my heart.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Math and Self-esteem
Am I so stupid I need to take middle school all over again? I mean, I know I'm not great at math, but I never expected fours years of school below average. I'm scared. It's hard for me to remember I'm okay when my test scores aren't at least above average.
So, what is there to do? I can take refuge in my Halley girl, but she seems absent today. It's not her fault. I'm sure it's autism or something else way more important than my need for comfort, but I just feel, well, bad about me. I've tried to help her feel better, but I'm not even sure why she seems so gone. I'm sure she's sick of me whining about how I feel so bad about me. So what now? That's where I always try to take comfort. Should I just take a nappy, maybe? I don't know. It doesn't feel like anything will make me feel better.
So, I guess that's all depressing. I guess I'll just wait it out. Maybe I'll naturally feel better eventually?
On my weight
I am fat. I am 5'7 and weight between 210 and 220lbs. This used to bother me a lot, well, not the 220, but when I was around 180, I used to hate myself. I thought I was gross and disgusting. I thought that I didn't deserve someone to be good to me, because, look at me, aren't I disgusting? But I'm not.
I'm beautiful, and it took my special halley girl to show me just how beautiful I am. She held me and told me how absolutely gorgeous I was, and it made me feel better. She showed me that I'm not disgusting and that I deserve to be with someone who treats me like a princess. Just a fat princess. Now, I feel silly for caring about my weight like that. Yeah, I should drop some to be healthy, and I may do that, but not a whole lot, because, you know what, I like me just the way I am.
I'm beautiful, and it took my special halley girl to show me just how beautiful I am. She held me and told me how absolutely gorgeous I was, and it made me feel better. She showed me that I'm not disgusting and that I deserve to be with someone who treats me like a princess. Just a fat princess. Now, I feel silly for caring about my weight like that. Yeah, I should drop some to be healthy, and I may do that, but not a whole lot, because, you know what, I like me just the way I am.
Friday, July 8, 2011
conforming to anti conformity- Parallel guest post by Halley
Let's just start out by saying, I'm fucking weird. Quite a lot of this is due to autism, some of it isn't. But it's the autism that causes me to do certain things. See, I've found that you can be weird as fuck, and as long as you fit into some sort of subculture, people will dismiss you instead of hassling you about it. I hate most social interactions; I don't want to talk to people, I really, really just want most of them to go away. I love my friends and Goddess and they are exceptions (Goddess always, friends occasionally), but the majority of the population, I want to leave me alone.
I've never been too good at changing who I am, but changing my clothes is easy, although I'm not very good at misrepresenting myself, I can try. For a while there, I tried being an emo kid, although, honestly, I was closer to Goth. I wore the black clothes, with long sleeves to cover my cuts, yeah, I was a cutter. I never did learn how to cry a lot, mainly I just looked dead. I really was depressed, and I liked my black clothes, not how they looked per se, but how they showed how I felt on the inside. Yes, I'm a cliche, I know. I felt empty inside, I hurt, and I thought, at least on some level, if I could show the world, then someone would make the pain go away. It also made me fit into a crowd, something that almost never happens, and gave me shelter from all the eyes.
I listened to emo music, but it wasn't tough enough for me in general, as Goddess could tell you, I'm not good at whining (or begging), but I was in pain, so I tried to look it. I ended up with more death metal than emo music, but hey, it counts, right? I was a bad emo, all I really had was the cutting, suicidal ideas, and black clothing.
Now I've found an even better way to get people not to hassle me, and I get to actually be me, if you are a certain level of weird, you seem to turn invisible.
I've never been too good at changing who I am, but changing my clothes is easy, although I'm not very good at misrepresenting myself, I can try. For a while there, I tried being an emo kid, although, honestly, I was closer to Goth. I wore the black clothes, with long sleeves to cover my cuts, yeah, I was a cutter. I never did learn how to cry a lot, mainly I just looked dead. I really was depressed, and I liked my black clothes, not how they looked per se, but how they showed how I felt on the inside. Yes, I'm a cliche, I know. I felt empty inside, I hurt, and I thought, at least on some level, if I could show the world, then someone would make the pain go away. It also made me fit into a crowd, something that almost never happens, and gave me shelter from all the eyes.
I listened to emo music, but it wasn't tough enough for me in general, as Goddess could tell you, I'm not good at whining (or begging), but I was in pain, so I tried to look it. I ended up with more death metal than emo music, but hey, it counts, right? I was a bad emo, all I really had was the cutting, suicidal ideas, and black clothing.
Now I've found an even better way to get people not to hassle me, and I get to actually be me, if you are a certain level of weird, you seem to turn invisible.
Video Game Logic
Video games, for the most part are a past time meant for amusement only. They have little practical value, because no matter how good you are at them, it doesn't usually have the ability to translate into real life. Well, most of the time. In this post, I'm going to explain how video games can teach us a few things about real life.
1. It can't be impossible
The game designers would never make a game that was literally impossible to beat. They would never make any money. Now, this lesson can't be directly applied to real life, because real life doesn't have a game designer, so, some things are literally impossible. This is rare. And, usually, something anyone would want to do is possible. If you can't get through an area in a video game, You step back and examine your options. Is it possible to get through the way you're going? Are you not skilled enough to make it through? or are you trying to complete it the wrong way? These can all be applied to life. If you're trying to do something impossible, try looking at it again to see if you should practice more, or go a different way, or if that's just not the right thing for your life
2. You are special
In most video games, at least the type I play, you are the hero; the one destined to save the world from all evil. If someone says "you can't do that!", you prove them wrong. A forest child in a green tunic can be the savior of the world. In real life, you may be pretty average. But you are still unique, you are special, and there are things you can do that no one else can. And, a lot of the time, you can do things that everyone says you can't. You are the only one who is you.
3. Let someone else take over
This is a basic extention of #1. So, maybe it's not impossible, but no matter how much skill you have, you just can't master this one room in the dungeon. If you're playing with someone else, that usually means you let them take a turn at it. In life, that can mean a few different things. If it's impossible for you, you can ask for help is the simplest way to put it. I don't know how many times I've left life up to my Halley girl, and things have all turned out way better than if I'd tried them myself.
4. Take a break
When you've tried a level a million times, and just keep dying, what do you do? If you're like me, you probably put the controller down and leave the room, you talk to friends, eat, sleep, or go somewhere. This method is great for when you have put way too much effort into one goal or another and it just doesn't seem right. I find that when you take a break, it's easier to finish because you're frustration level is down
and finally
5. If you don't know, go to the internet
If you're totally stumped and just need to find that one last thing, an online walkthrough of that game is a great place to turn. Now, while you can follow video game walkthroughs blindly, I wouldn't suggest doing the same with life, but when you feel all alone in being you, the internet can help you get out of the immediate cultural mindset and to a more global standpoint. Also, taking advice at your discretion from bloggers and strangers can be helpful, at least, occasionally.
1. It can't be impossible
The game designers would never make a game that was literally impossible to beat. They would never make any money. Now, this lesson can't be directly applied to real life, because real life doesn't have a game designer, so, some things are literally impossible. This is rare. And, usually, something anyone would want to do is possible. If you can't get through an area in a video game, You step back and examine your options. Is it possible to get through the way you're going? Are you not skilled enough to make it through? or are you trying to complete it the wrong way? These can all be applied to life. If you're trying to do something impossible, try looking at it again to see if you should practice more, or go a different way, or if that's just not the right thing for your life
2. You are special
In most video games, at least the type I play, you are the hero; the one destined to save the world from all evil. If someone says "you can't do that!", you prove them wrong. A forest child in a green tunic can be the savior of the world. In real life, you may be pretty average. But you are still unique, you are special, and there are things you can do that no one else can. And, a lot of the time, you can do things that everyone says you can't. You are the only one who is you.
3. Let someone else take over
This is a basic extention of #1. So, maybe it's not impossible, but no matter how much skill you have, you just can't master this one room in the dungeon. If you're playing with someone else, that usually means you let them take a turn at it. In life, that can mean a few different things. If it's impossible for you, you can ask for help is the simplest way to put it. I don't know how many times I've left life up to my Halley girl, and things have all turned out way better than if I'd tried them myself.
4. Take a break
When you've tried a level a million times, and just keep dying, what do you do? If you're like me, you probably put the controller down and leave the room, you talk to friends, eat, sleep, or go somewhere. This method is great for when you have put way too much effort into one goal or another and it just doesn't seem right. I find that when you take a break, it's easier to finish because you're frustration level is down
and finally
5. If you don't know, go to the internet
If you're totally stumped and just need to find that one last thing, an online walkthrough of that game is a great place to turn. Now, while you can follow video game walkthroughs blindly, I wouldn't suggest doing the same with life, but when you feel all alone in being you, the internet can help you get out of the immediate cultural mindset and to a more global standpoint. Also, taking advice at your discretion from bloggers and strangers can be helpful, at least, occasionally.
Anitilian
Halley and I have our own language. We call it Anitilian. Now, it's not an entire language; It's a decently sized set of words that evolved themselves from purposeful baby talk, sleepy mistakes, and wanting to talk about "inappropriate" things in front of people who could affect us with their consequences. That we can talk in a way that no one else knows makes me unbelievably happy. I feel so mmmmm, the anitilian word for something a bit more than comfort and warmth, based on the natural contented sigh type noise we make when together. I may describe more of the language because it slips up every once in a while when I talk or write to other people, so, when here, instead of changing it, I'll explain the word meaning and it's origin. I'll start you off with one she described on her own blog.
Namic- a mix between play pretend kid games and sexual roleplay, deeply involved and participated in by both of us.
Origin- Interesting relationship dynamic, relationship dynamic, lationship namic, namic
Anitilian- Our personal language
origin- a corruption of the common letters in our full names. "anytlean" was how it started, and we changed the spelling to one we found better.
Introduction
Hi! My name is Brittany. I am 17 years old, and can describe myself in a lot of ways. I am as liberal as they come. I am a screaming advocate for peaceful, natural parenting, and a proud sister to 6 year old Joey. I try to care for him in the ways I would care for my own children, but sometimes his parents get in my way. It's hard to practice peaceful parenting with a child that isn't yours. haha. I am also a lesbian, and proud of it. I'm in love with My beautiful, precious girl, Halley. I am proud to be with her and love her so much. I'm kinky; Naturally submissive, but usually playing the dominant role, because Halley loves it so much. I'm a girly sort of girl. I love dresses and sparkles and pink and rainbows. I am an atheist, and consider religion frankly dangerous, therefore hate it. I do not hate religious people, though. I love some of them a lot and hope to "show them the light" so to speak. I am a total child at heart. I love dolls and kids' shows. Especially Moose and Zee on noggin. I have one new, special doll. She's 18 inches and her name is Lellianna. I love to play with her and be a mommy. Speaking of which, I am the type to want to be a stay at home mommy. I want to take care of my babies and cook and clean for my wife. I don't feel anyone should be forced to do what makes them unhappy. I feel I should have every right to work any place that offers jobs to people, but that I should have the right to opt out. I am a gamer and a let's player. I love the classic series like Zelda, Mario, and Final Fantasy. I also love Kingdom Hearts and have played quite a few other games. Shooters are not my thing and I am not even interested enough to pick up a controller for them. As for let's plays, Joey and I have started a let's play of majora's mask. If you want to find it, the channel is SissyandJoeyLP. Anyway, guys, I don't think I've left any of the main things I wanted to cover out of this, so I'm done!
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