My Unease About Abuse

I have all of these issues that pop up when I hear about abuse, especially emotional abuse. I get worried really easily that I'm somehow being an abuser accidentally. I suppose I'm worried that I'm so needy and prone to being upset that I'm making the relationship all about myself. I get worried any time someone contrasts it with  a more abusive relationship, because I'm afraid it's downplaying and rationalization. I love my halley so much that I start to feel like every little move is important, and I worry about her. Now, don't get me wrong. This irrationality is not because of my love, rather, my love combined with my general sense of low self esteem. This problem is hard to shake, but I'm getting better.

You see, I can look at all of the wonderful times we have together, and I can see that we giggle and play and be together. We talk about everything, we trust each other, and I can see how safe I make xyr feel. We know each other, on big issues and small, and we get along on so many levels. We We give affection and we always try to be so good to each other. And, of course, we have mindblowing kinky sex, with huge focus on the most important thing: consent.

 And when we do have problems? well, we talk them out. Sometimes, I'm a little reluctant at first, but, again, I'm not perfect and I'm working on this. I'm doing really well, I might add. We communicate. We tell each other how we feel, as openly and honestly as we know how. We usually fill in the form of "I am feeling _______ because __________________________________" and it works. We feel better soon. And, on top of that, most, if not all, of our issues stem from the desire to be good to each other and feeling of failing, or a simple miscommunication (almost always my fault, by the way. [but that doesn't mean I'm bad, or ruining the relaitonship] Halley takes things literally, and I mess with them by adding the connotations of words and silly things.) Problem resolution happens quickly, if I don't lose my head, and then it's back to snuggles and kisses and discussions of the state of the world and how to help the underpriveleged (We have a project coming up!! I'm excited, but more on that later!) and hugs and namics and games and sex and argumentation and writing our blogs together.

So, I guess what I mean to say is that, despite all of this, sometimes, I get scared in the deepest corner of my mind that I'm an accidental abuser. Lately, though, I've been able to get into that corner and show my mind the above mention of how my relationship works. And, however prone I am to feeling uneasy, I know with the most logical parts of me that my relationship with halley is healthy.

Conformity and Anticonformity

Above:not my thing

I love pink. I love swirlies and cutesy backgrounds. I like to wear rainbows, hearts, and pictures of cartoon characters. I often find that kids' songs sound better to me than rock and roll, metal, or anything else those emo kids listen to. I can handle black, as a color (or lack therof if you wanna talk science). I don't like it as the main facet of anything. I don't like to wear it. I don't like the look of skulls and blood as detail.

I have always been this way, I have not, however, always acted this way. You, see, I tried a couple of years ago to fit in with some wonderful people who I love very much. I thought that's what I had to do to show that I don't care what most of society says a girl should wear, I like these clothes. But I didn't. And I'm not sure that was as destructive as trying to fit in or not, but I think trying to fit out was a really bad thing for me. I could've been me, and I know these people, they would have loved me just the same. But instead, I was afraid. I tried to hide happiness and cheer behind black and blood and skulls, for fear of seeming too normal. Ironically, I spent so much time in front of the mirror, trying to look just depressed enough, in order to make people think I didn't care how I looked, and I was just going to express myself.  I also associated these things with growing up, which I cared very deeply about at the time. I thought if I dressed how I wanted to, drew pictures how I wanted to, owned pretty items that I wanted to, I would be forever stuck a kid, and that I wouldn't be mature enough for anyone to love me, especially those friends that had the same general stuff that I did.

Now, I was depressed during some of that, and I was a cutter, but I didn't want to wear those clothes for my own sake. I didn't want to look like that. Despite the depression, I always thought a rainbow of colors looked better than abscence, and hearts looked better than skulls. So now? I've stopped being a weird emo hipster and trying so hart to not fit in that I'm forgetting who I am. I'm loving me wtih the cutesy stuff and all.

So to anyone fighting with the same delima, don't forget that anticonformity is not the same as nonconformity. Follow what you love, and people who are worth it will love you just the same. Don't stress so much about just being who you are

pictured below: exactly my thing