How I masturbate- parallel of Halley

Okay, guys, so the blog description promised "sex" as the second thing on here! So, it's about damn time that I talked about something sexual! Okay, okay, so we're all uncomfortable talking about things like this. Everyone does it (or just about) and it's a good thing for us all! Also, Halleyland readers, I'd like to share with you a different perspective on how it goes, because, guys, I don't know if you've heard, but everyone's different. And this includes masturbating differently.

I'm hard to get off. I can't do it without a lot lot lot of stimulation. And it used to make me so pissed that it's unbelievable. So, the advice she gave you, about relaxing? Yeah, do it. I had to calm the fuck down before I could masturbate effectively. After relaxation, there are lots of things you can do. I use water too.

You see, first, I fill our tub with water. Our tub makes it easy because it's a jacuzzi tub, with the jets and stuff. (my dad does a lot of side work as a lowe's installer, so he gets all of our normally expensive appliances for incredibly reduced prices.) All I do is get in, relax for a minute, turn on the water jets, and turn down the water pressure on every jet except for one. Then, I curl around it with my feet up on the side of the tub. I wriggle around until it's at an angle to push back the skin by itself and directly hit my clitoris. I generally don't move once it's there and let the water do the rest of the work. I've recently found that using a little diluted tea-tree oil (used in shampoo to prevent lice and help overly oily hair)  helps out for me. I just apply it to the general area I use to masturbate. I'd reccommend trying this with an extremely diluted amount first if you want to try it out. depending on your sensitivity level, too much could cause burning feeling or a rash.

Personally, I like to try to sing through it all. I guess that's weird. Well, I know that's really weird, but I find it's an amusing challenge. And leaning to be quiet or at least sound like you're doing something non-sexual can be beneficial. You never know when you might have some annoying neighbor or roomate who doesn't want to hear you having sex. You should try it for the fun of it, guys. :) It might make you giggle and it'll help keep it not too serious. It doesn't need to be all that serious. It should be fun, and for me, this is just the way to relax.

Darkness

My girl is dark. She has a scary place inside her mind that sends out some of the most fucked up things I've ever seen. I debated on this a long time ago. Is this a problem? Is it a symptom of a problem? I thought long and hard and realized that no, no it is not. And I haven't had a regret about them since.

Maybe it would be helpful to describe in a bit more detail what I mean by these "things". Her stories, the ones she comes up with in her head are dark. And I'm not saying someone dies in some. I'm saying that in her stories, every character has been orphaned, abandoned, whipped, beaten, scarred, raped, enslaved, in whatever way, everyone comes with extreme damage. When left to wander, her mind goes darker places than I ever could have imagined.

Just last night we had a namic where she was a slave and I was the kind daughter of his owner. She wanted beaten completely bloody, til she could barely move, and once I fixed that, she wanted to be raped and beaten again, turned into scars upon scars. This is her idea of fun. And it's deeper and darker than I could ever come up with on my own. 

I don't know where it comes from. I don't know if it comes from her history of abuse or from something else. Wherever it comes from, I know it in and of itself is not hurting her. And, to tell you the truth, that's all I care about. I love her regardless. In fact, knowing her mind can go to such incredibly dark places makes me feel good about her love for me. I mean, if someone who can be so dark can giggle with me, play with me, give me kisses, feed me touch me with such gentle hands, snuggle me and enjoy herself, that really shows she loves me. She's not just that light and fun with anyone. It takes some real love to pull her mind out of that and into my heart.

Sistering or Mothering

I watch Joey a lot. He is home alone with me at least 3 days a week for at least 8 hours each day. This is a conservative estimate since my mom often works five days a week, and 11 hour shifts. In addition to that, I watch him without being his sole caretaker, just an additional one almost constantly. I've been told that I'm more of a mother to him than a sister, and this makes my dad angry. This gets me thinking. What is the difference between being a mother and being a sister in spirit? I mean, biologically having a child makes you a mom, and so does legally having a child. But is it caring 5 days a week mothering rather than sistering.


I often feel (usually when cooking) like I'm a stay at home mom to Joey. I feel very mmmm being in charge of caring for Joey so often. I have fun making our let's plays and playing in the water outside. I put him to bed (well, I did during the school year. I think it's mean to tell children they are required to go to bed at any time unless they have to be up early the next day but that's a post in itself) And it feels so great to snuggle with him in the morning before we start the day. My litte boy is perfect.

So, I guess it doesn't much matter mothering or sistering. I'm caring for a child who I love very very much, and whatever you call it, I love it.

Depression

A little extra info on that last post: I am prone to feeling very sad, very easily. Sometimes, for no reason at all I feel like everything is awful, and specifically like I am awful. So, something like an extremely terrible score on a test is enough to make me want to curl into a ball and cry. This seems to happen to me all the time. I'm over-emotional and I don't understan why, no matter how much confidence I build talking to Halley, or even through other things, I just feel like crying so much.


I don't know if any of this is clinical. It feels like that might be an exaggeration to think so. Maybe there's some kind of brain chemistry mistake that can be fixed. Or maybe I'm just messed up beyond repair. I don't know


And I hate to get into this cycle of bad. It's so hard to get out of it. First I feel bad about myself, so, okay, I act a bit sad, then, I feel bad about being so sad. I mean, shouldn't I be more grateful and happy all the time? I have someone so wonderful who cares about me. So, I feel guilty about that. Then, me feeling guilty seems to make Halley feel bad about not having been good enough to fix it. But it wasn't her fault in the first place, so then I've got to feel bad about that. And I have no idea how to fix the horrible cycle.


But then, i don't wann get caught too i this moment. I know there are beautiful cycles that are hard to break too. So, maybe soon I'll feel better

Math and Self-esteem

So, I'm really terrible at math, and that makes me a little scared. I mean, guys, I'm naturally insecure, but academics are usually the place I know I'm good. So, when I see I've done terribly on a test of sorts, I feel bad about me. See, I just took my math placement test for college today, and got placed in elementary algebra review; not the place I'd want myself to be in. I mean, I knew I wouldn't do that well, but my goodness, I never expected to need to take an 8th grade level course my first year of college.

 Am I so stupid I need to take middle school all over again? I mean, I know I'm not great at math, but I never expected fours years of school below average.  I'm scared. It's hard for me to remember I'm okay when my test scores aren't at least above average.

So, what is there to do? I can take refuge in my Halley girl, but she seems absent today. It's not her fault. I'm sure it's autism or something else way more important than my need for comfort, but I just feel, well, bad about me. I've tried to help her feel better, but I'm not even sure why she seems so gone. I'm sure she's sick of me whining about how I feel so bad about me. So what now? That's where  I always try to take comfort. Should I just take a nappy, maybe? I don't know. It doesn't feel like anything will make me feel better.

So, I guess that's all depressing. I guess I'll just wait it out. Maybe I'll naturally feel better eventually?